How to get what you want in life (or at least, for your birthday)

Joining billions of other people in the world, I also did the “Which F.R.I.EN.D.S character are you?” quiz while procrastinating. It resulted in dr. Richard Burke. (I thought I was a Monica)

One time when we were still dating, I asked Yovan the same question. Which of the series’ characters do you see fit me the most? To my surprise, he said, “Rachel.” But the conversation switched to talking about how the love story of Rachel and Ross is one of the worst in the world. You name all the newly found words; toxic, gaslighting, love bombing. It was all in that one and off ten years lobster tale. 

Fast forward to 2023. A week before my birthday, I sent Yovan my wish list. Things that I want for my birthday, Christmas, or just for the pleasure of it. They are not necessarily what I need. Now before we go further, let me tell you about this list. 

It’s not as simple as listing beige trousers, running shoes, or laptop case. My list has a description of the item, the size, and the link to where one can find them. It’s also categorised in price range, so buying within your budget is possible. See? Could I be more Monica?

Yovan was perplexed at first. The idea of buying a birthday gift from a list is not something he can comprehend. “Will you be okay with it? There’s no element of surprise!” he asked, being a spontaneous and gleeful person who loves romance more than anyone I know. “But you know I hate surprises,” I answered and reassured him again that having people singing Happy Birthday to me at a restaurant is a big no-no for me. 

Here are my takes that convinced him to have one solicited document containing things we want that we can go to on Birthdays, Christmas, or a just cause: 

1. Buying things from a wish list benefits both the receiver and the giver. The giver does not have to stumble from one idea to another, the receiver will be satisfied

2. Zero errors! The arms of the shirt will sit perfectly on the shoulder, and the lipstick shade will be THAT exact Merlot and not Burgundy. The insole of the shoes will cause no chaffing.  

3. There still is an element of surprise because the receiver will not know which item you are buying

4. The recipient WILL appreciate it, and it will not end up as clutter (or being exchanged to store credit)

5. Zero errors and I know I already said that!

There! These are my Rachel's quirks! How she ensures everyone to "Stick with the list," my mind tells me as I speak the last bit of my in-depth objective. I get it. But Yovan is no Ross. So I think we are good.

PS: Would you try this Wish List with your spouse?

Who Someone Really Is

Kindness, baby. Kindness.

By Marie Andrew

Three's a charm: Things I learned from my dogs

And am being dead serious.

Soon enough, my instagram account will be assumed as my dogs's account (Mahoni and Marilyn) as there are more pictures of them in there than mine. I personally think that they are the most interesting things that I have in my life so far and they simply are gorgeous in #selfies without having to pout. And, #nofilter needed.

And I understand fully why I am doing so. Take a closer look to why you are doing what you are doing, you may learn a thing or two. I am now realizing three main things I learned from my dogs.

(I actually am learning hundreds but let us stick with three for now)

1. They are smarter than most people I know. We know exactly what relationship with certain kind of people will bring. We know what dynamic is going to work and what is not. You know he is not the one. You know she's going to wear you down. But, trying our luck to be proven wrong, or right, we keep pushing it. You are fully aware that it's a toxic relationship, but you keep coming back for more. Because, you know, "Maybe this person will change." Or if you are lucky, maybe this is just a phase. If you are downright delusional, you will think "Maybe, my body will develop some magical immune for his or her behavior."  The worse: "I am here to change him." Who's been there? (*raise hand*confession). Mahoni (a mutt), is a smart paws. Her hunting drive tells her that snakes are dangerous. So, to date, she killed three for me. We found them falling from the trees on an empty land behind our garden. But, once Mahoni learned that chasing and biting big frogs will end up making her vomit, never once she tried to hunt them down again. "What's in it for me?" she thinks. Geckos on the other hand are fun to chase (extra benefit: strong legs, cardio) and will give no side effects. So.... 
2. Uncompromising level of discipline. Marilyn (Labrador) is obsessed with, ehm...well... everything. But most especially, food. However, no matter how hungry (she thinks) she is, after you put her filled with dog food bowl on the floor, she will sit nicely. Just sits there... until you asked her to "Shake-hand" or "High-Five" and you say "Okay!". Only then, she will finish her meal in seconds. I trained this myself. So, I was surprised to know that she behaves the same way when my sister feeds her. Or my mom, or my brother. Anyone. Raised by teachers (grandparents) discipline has always been my main course. But there were times when I was still in college, I would not come early to a class if I think "Ah, this credit is easy for me to pass.". I will only be there 15 minutes earlier if the class or the lecturer was a tough one. Even when I know my grandparents golden rule was "Always be ready in your class 15 minutes earlier before everyone else.". I took it personally, I compromised. Marilyn does not. Even if you put steak on top of her bowl to lure her already drooling saliva. 
3. Their unconditional love. If I need to explain to you about dog's unconditional love, you may want to come over to our house. 

Sleeping. Done teaching me a thing or two. 

My Weirdo

Things my Divorce Taught Me

This post is not a mellow one. It is a written assurance of how thankful I am now. For my divorce (4 years ago), has taught me a lot that I am willing to share here, with no intention at all to pry.
One thing for sure...Divorce taught you a lot about life, love, your friendship, family, and your vision about relationship. 
But foremost, it taught you a lot about yourself. 
Here goes.

1. It is okay to change your mind. Obviously. Tho in my case, it may seem like I have registered for a swimming club to just then finding out that I am allergic to chlorine... But, really... why would you risk getting all those skin rashes?
2. You will have this super power to listen to your heart more attentively. You will finally understand that you are not that much of a coward anyway, because you are not afraid to take chances and embracing changes. Even though it hurts you to the bone.
3. Bitter truth lesson: Love... apparently, in a contrary of what The Beatles keep telling us in "All you need is Love"....is, not the only thing you need. 
4. Prioritising battles is one skill I never thought I have. Now I know that I can do that. It may seems like an act of ignorance, but there are things that do not deserve a glance of a headache and there are things that deserve my blood-shed battle. My divorce taught me to differentiate those. 
5. Some people can give you "that look" when you tell them you are divorced. That "Oh, sorry, you will find a better one someday" look (As if they think they know that's all that you are looking forward to in life!). Some sad people will be suspicious that you would want to eat every available-not available man that is breathing (including theirs!) Neither of those ideas that I care about.
6. There are also people who think they know what's best for you and aren't afraid to make pointy judgment to hurt you and make you feel guilty. Do they mean it? I do not know. But  lucky for me, it is my very own family that once told me this at the beginning of my divorce trials: "You can't worry about what everyone else thinks."
7. You will learn to understand that healing may take time. And trust... no surprise here; takes longer to re-build. And no need to rush. But admitting this is half the battle. I am getting there, in my timid baby steps.
8. The continuous self-discovery after divorce roams in and around all aspects of my life, including sex. You will feel more empowered and confident since you started to see it as more of a need and can be separated from emotional attachments, if you like. Or, there can be some in it, there can be a lot. It is up to you. BUT Get to know your body and do things the healthy way! Self love is recommended. Vibrator, ladies, is healthier than shacking up with some random guys. Although if you want to do the latter, make sure to keep yourself safe.
9. It makes you judge things less... almost all things but... it folds you to be super critical towards men. Again, do not feel guilty about ditching someone just because he did not open the door for you (or because he does not read a lot of books, or has no health insurance, or not wearing nice shoes, and does not like dogs?!) 
10. On a heavier note... for me, it did change how I see religion... but, the good news is... it does not change the way God loves me and it makes me love Him even more. 
11. Wolfing dinner by the sink is not a sin. So does gulping over a bottle of red (alone!) when you feel like casual dating is just a "meh" idea for some nights.  
12. You will be struck in an awe realising that you can forgive. I did that. And it is very liberating.
13. There will be skills and passions of you that are suddenly blooming. Simply because you have time to care more about yourself, your career, your potential. You will wake up one day feeling thankful for the roof upon your head that you actually built, or for that designer label hand bag you bought for yourself, or even maybe... for that handsome man next to you that you do not know his name of. 
14. If you really ask yourself... and really-really answer... you know, that you still believe in falling in love again. And last one... 
15. You will burn, destroy, erase... the things that are not you.
    

Intimidate much?

Well I never felt that way before... but my best girlfriends (and some guy friends!) starting to nudge this out of me!

So, I can come across as intimidating to the guy that I am with. Not to friends nor colleagues because I pretty much let my hair down when I am with them. But relationships get me nervous and I always put one shield before another to protect myself from getting hurt. The best way to do that is to be... cocky, bossy and to be "Miss-I-always-have-an-opinion-about-anything", or as my best friend Ria would say"Miss-Whoever-You-are".

Guilty. I do that to any guy that I was with.

I am not here to speak for all the ladies with this post, obviously... But just in case you are the type that will not enjoy being too close to an intimidating lady, I will give you a hint or two to recognise them instantly.

These are their (or, my species) symptoms and I am taking the liberty to use the word "we"

• We will always have an opinion about something. And the deeper we are in disagreement, the more we will enjoy it. It does not matter who will win the argument (oh yes, we look for one), we just enjoy being stimulated that way
• There will never be a day in which we say "Up to you." when a guy asked where to go for dinner. Isn't that why you asked? To get our answer? The closest thing I do to being submissive is to narrow down the option by saying this "Well. I am down with almost anything but NOT restaurant A, B or X..." 
• When we feel like it took the guy ages to pick what he wants from the menu, we will fearlessly make suggestions as in telling you what to order exactly. Not every guy appreciates that... apparently. 
• We will say bluntly if we like you or if what you did make us feel special. But we will also look you in the eyes and say "I do not like what you just said/did...". You do not have to fish for compliments nor a complaint
• If you show respect to your parents, elderly and a waiter, we will praise you for that.
• When we say "I will support you." we mean it with all our heart. Same goes when we say "You are amazing." We mean that
• Taking notes on chivalry gestures is one of our specialties. So yes, we did notice when you wait to take the first bite of your meal after we have ours. Thank you for that.
• We will make sharp feedback if you asked us about work, personal life, or a football match. And we can be soft-spoken about it... but sometimes, maybe... we forget. Not that we do not appreciate you, but it feels enthralling to know that someone that we like and or love wants to know what is on our mind
• This is my personal biggest sin: Around a month after my wedding, I got invited to a dinner event in which my assistant RSVPd with my name that she changed with liberty to my then husband's last name. I did not blame her, she was just making an assumption. But when my then husband and I arrived there, I could not help it. I asked them to change my last name back to my maiden name in the guest list. I did not mean anything to hurt or offend him, no way.. but that's not my name... and nothing can change that
• You can almost hear our eyes roll when you used the so-called pick up lines. And our eyebrows will reach our tip of forehead when you wear ugly shoes. Raising eyebrows! Cannot help it
• If you get sick, we can take care of  you like a protective mama. But do not nag. Just drink that drops, and get better
• We buy our own stuffs and like to point that out to the guy we are in a relationship with. Especially if they are good stuff. No means to be a snob there, we just want them to know that we do not need them to worry about that part in our life. Yes, a beautiful watch can be a nice gesture for our birthdays, or a designer-labeled hand bag. But we will not judge you if it is not a vintage-oyster Rolex or Marc Jacobs. We have that covered. Do not freak out.... 
• It can happen 5 years from now. Or 2. But going back to college is most likely in the agenda
• We know if whether or not we want kids. We know. Just like we know where we want to be in 5 years. Or what to have for dinner
• No matter in what century we are now living, we still expect you to open the door for us. No room for negotiation here
• Befriending us is easy. We can go with friends to a thrift store and we go for cheap lunches. But when it comes to dating, we will judge a man by how much they tip the waiter. This.is.true
• Mortgage of our very own house. Check
• Chanel hand bag, well-taken-care pet. Check. Check
• Vibrator? Oh yes... check
• We secretly think we are smarter than you are. And here's the last one...
• Asking for your opinion in our big life decisions? Only if you survive the above. And that means you are in the safe zone, baby

Those are the one(s) I can see and admit so far
Now I have a question, would you change something about yourself to fill up... let's say, someone's ego? 

Will you go out with a man that is going to tell you to be submissive when you are not?

Is there a safe meet-half-way line in between so you can compromise to keep the relationship? Or to build a solid one?

Proverbs 13:20

How truthful this verse is: "He who walks with a wise grows wise, but a companion of a fool suffers harm.". Proverbs 13:20.

It kinda remind us of the good old saying "Show me your friends, and I will tell you who you are." 
Yes?

How have you been with the relationship(s) you are in? Love life, marriage, friendship, families, parenthood, siblings, or even work? Do you eliminate the one(s) that are no longer fruitful for you? Or you let them hang around in the corner no matter how poisonous and rotten they can be? Do you tell the truth when you have to end it? Or, do you sometimes create"make believe" excuses and phrases?

How far can you fight? How should you know when to give up? Which one can get a second chance and which deserves a full-stop?

Big quest:
Would you rather be alone with yourself, or you need to have anyone at all even if that someone will not grow and nourish with you; mind, soul and everything that comes with it? Do you compromise with someone that will not challenge you and comfort you at the same time? Say you are doing it just because it is safe thing to do, but at some point, you know you will be walking away... So?

My soul-sister (Yes, you Nickie!) once told me that I have a fertile mind. That is one compliment I would never trade with any pick-up line in a bar! Haha... 
But it is this fertile wanderings that keep me up and I will spend countless hours thinking about it.

Can any of you share me an insight or two?

Friendzoned

Ah, have you been? Or, are you friend-zoning someone in particular?
Here's and easy way to tell whether or not you are being hauled to that area.

What I See in Men

There will be another post with "What I see in..." in the title. Here's my maiden one. Bear in mind this is just the top of the iceberg. I refrain myself to bring the cards of honesty, accountable and all other heavy stuffs to the table.

Let's just talk about the little things which are just as important:

Truth be told. I see (and most likely judge) your sense of music. I mean it big time. There's nothing more fascinating than finding someone with richer knowledge in music and know all of the songs from the years we were not yet even born (and you are not some radio DJ or some sort).

If you like The Cure, The Roots, David Bowie, Jack Johnson, Ben Harper and The Smiths, you might be qualified to be considered as 'Dating Material".

Oh, there were times when I had a big crush on RHCP. So, knowing a thing or two about them might score some brownie points too. Your reading habit? Please do not make me go there :)

Your shoes. Man, you can go to modest with your shirt. But a real gentleman should appreciate their feet.

Your effort in appreciating your woman. We do not always have the energy to keep the house clean, but gawd knows we try! So, fixing your own breakfast on weekends while you are giving us an extra 30 minutes of sleep is priceless.

How you treat animals. Most especially dogs. Once you cringe to my excessive love towards them, you are out of the picture.

  

What about you ladies?

But no 'all day long wearing suits' necessary

Acceptance Board

Do you have an inspiration board? I do. But I am not going to share that with you now or maybe ever:) . This board I am going to spill about is a different one.

It's an "acceptance" board. A collage of a few unexpected milestones or ordeals I have experienced in the past- and I chose to accept wholeheartedly. 

My board also includes the one thing that I have been dreaming about since I was 12 years old- but never ever going to happen; being escorted by my Dad to the altar.
I have carefully selected only ones I know I will still be open for a discussion for or up for sharing over a cup of coffee or two (or, make it a bottle of Cab Sav). 
Some others are not; only between my Shepherd and I. 

This is what a wise elderly taught me once...
There are things you cannot change in life. But, once you step into the acceptance phase, you know you are not going to let that rule your happiness and your future out. 

I am in such relief to lay these moments down, not to forget it, but to know that I somehow am wonderfully shaped by them. 
Therefore, I am in acceptance. Are you?

Things I have accepted:')

Let's Talk About Ex

I am not talking about them in a bad way tho... Let's look back for a quick brief just to see what are the things you learn from them. What influences, changes and new things; be it big or small, that those (may not be all) sore losers has given you.

One of mine has a more of broad taste in music and I used to be very reluctant to it. But he once played Coldplay over and over again and it finally got into me to this day.

Another one inherited me with a good enough of knowledge in banking and economy. Which I used to think as pretty blah but now find it very useful.

Then there was this guy. A softy who at that time never seemed to really be able to make up
his mind. I now realize that he taught me about patience, to be more understanding and how to drive a car!

How about you? What lesson(s) have you learned from your ex/exes? Some 'good move' in bed? How to make the most delish taco?

What lessons you decided  to absorb, and what you think you better detach?

I want to know....

Pinterest

Deciding on your destiny

Recently, I encountered a... not so wanted "reunion". It took me only a Nano-second to realize how time really can heal the pain, work its spell and help you understand that... everything is meant to be.

I typed, deleted, re type a few paragraphs on this posting, biting my fingers in uncertainty that I may have written too much.

But this is what I decided to share:

When you hit rock bottom. You have nowhere else to go but... up. I heard that a gazillion times and maybe have experienced it in the count of hundreds, but at that very night... I just realized it with all my heart. 
How could I not?

You may have been deleted, banished from a so-called ring of friendship, but that's only an end result of finding true one(s). You may not be able to connect with them in a way anymore...or , you are struggling through speeches just to break the ice, you do not get their jokes, you are flustered and confused... Trust this; that's simply because you have passed that bar. You are in a different world, another level. And that is where you are meant to be.

Yes, there will always be that little piece of sweet memories about them. Things you once thought will last forever, but apparently not. But let me ask you, if you are being asked to choose, to re-create those little sweetness, or create new one with people who are now proven to be real for you... What would you pick?

Yes you have been hurt. But as you are healed, don’t you realize that the process is taking you to a place way further than where you think you could ever be?

I may have less friends, but who's left with me today are the real one(s). How can I  not be grateful? And I decided to be.

This pair of shoes I am wearing is not a designer labeled, but God has made a solid roof on top of my head. A home of my own. A result of years of hard work that may have never been accomplished if I did not stepped out of my past a few years ago, if I did not make that tough decision that has brought me to where I am today.

Those jokes don’t get me to laugh anymore, we are no longer in the same picture.

You and I particularly... are only a step away from being total strangers.

But if that's what it takes, for me to reach my fate.... I decided to letting it be.

I am here, at this very second...brought by millions of flaws and mishaps... is actually doing nothing but fulfilling my destiny.

And oh how I wish that's where you are too.

Piccsy

No more violence

The first line gives me serious goosebumps : " To the guy on this floor who yells at his girlfriend".

And the pink post-it that says " You don't need to put up with that stuff, girl" ... gets me all teary. 

Some might consider this as an act of interference. But you know what, it is better to interfere now rather than waiting for when (and if) she's coming to you being all black and blue. Or even worst, when she thinks that's the kind of love that she deserves .

Because trust me... It is not.

(Picture credit: Unknown. But God how I wish she is no longer with him now )

What are you suck at?

It is easy to talk about what you are good at. Or, things that are easy for you to comprehend, be it at work or in relationships.

But when it comes to your ‘areas that need of improvement’ …. Hmmm. Will you  be that bluntly honest? Is it too weird for us to talk about: “What are you suck at?”
Let me try...

I suck at … relationships. No surprise eh? I can say I am a great starter in relationships. I have the ability to keep the distance but also to keep up with little perks to the day we can finally be an item. I know how much men love their freedom and trust me, I can give them that privilege while being in an intimate relationship.

But as time travels, I will start ...to... freak out. This the phase when I start to have an over bearing anxiety about getting hurt and I will easily bail out of relationship the second I am sensing something is wrong. 
Fixing it sounds too exhausting. And I don’t want to risk my heart being hurt for real. Classic? Wait till you read this.... I am a big 'loner'. So giving my space (be it time, a drawer, bed, nights in, day off)  is a big time compromise. I mean, big. If I allow you to be part of it, it means I really like you. To the rim!

At this very moment, I am learning to fight against this habit. Haha... I know, the word fight might sounds like an exaggeration but if you are in my shoes, you will understand why I am using that particular word. To make this not so stressful, I learn to start talking about things instead of avoiding conflict. I accept the fact that in relationship, there will always a time when your ideas cannot go together, when you are being hurt or when you –be it with your consciousness or not- hurt your loved one, when your space is not always yours all the time (oh my)… You cannot avoid that. I just need to make sure I am with the one who is worth fighting for.

And even to most people this is not a surprising fact, for me... this is new. At the age of 32? Oh yes. That's downright pathetic.

I suck at relationships. But admitting this, is half the battle for me in the process of doing it better. 

Bear with me.

Don't ask :)

Inspiration Sunday: Divide it with

Noted!

from: A well traveled Woman

Love letter from Icarus

To get along with the month of February, I decided to post more about Love and relationship. The first will be about; Love letters! 

I received one unforgettable love letter when I was in my sophomore year in college. It was short, sweet, poetic and got me all whimsical. 

One heart breaker line- I remember clearly- was the closure : I do not wish for you to feel the same, because that would probably making me like Icarus - who flew too high up to the sun and burn himself to death :')

Nothing happened with the guy and I... We did not give it a try. Too complicated to explain:)

However, I was so surprised with the analogy he wrote. Greek mythology is one of among other things that I highly admire, and to know that a guy is using it as a "pick up" line in his letter for me is beyond sweet. He did not go on and on with praises but simply knock me off by hitting that hot button. Also, a sign that he also reads. A darling geek. (Take note, gentlemen!)

Do you still remember the first or last time you received a love letter? When was the first? The most memorable? The cheesiest? Is the person still in your life right now?

ps: The 50 Greatest Love Letters Of All Time strengthens my sentiment that handwritten love letters will never go out of style . 

Read the story of Icarus, here

Geeky Bad Boy? Yum!

About 10 years ago, bad boy material always made me swell. Most of my closest friends know that I am the biggest wuss there is when it comes to relationship and or making the first move, so the bad boy crushes always ended up just being a head turner and a stomping heart I kept as a secret. I am not into bad boy anymore. Guess, that was just a phase. 

But, I always... always have a thing for... geeks! Designers (web, graphic), writers, journos, architect, engineers, physicians, professors, columnists, (good goofy looking, glasses, preppy but not too much, a bit scruffy). 

Now I wonder... if only I had the guts to approach any of the bad boy during that dainty phase of my life, is there a possibility that one of them is also a geek in a bad boy skin? Like Will here in Good Will Hunting? Aaahhh... you know the saying: in the end, you only regret the things you did not do. Bummer.

Loving Friday: The foundation of any relationship

Now I have names of people that I am close to running through my head. While justifying one to another with the theory below... oh how I cannot describe it better myself! This is so true!

Is it including Love relationship? Hell ya! 

Loving Friday: "We accept the love we think we deserve"

As promised ladies...  On today' s Loving Friday , we will talk about  "We accept the love we think we deserve ". I read the quote in "The Perks of being a Wallflower" - a coming of age book by Stephen Chbosky . A quote that struck me at heart and deliver me to another affirmation.

Rather than phrasing a long paragraph... Why don't we have a look on these brief samples:

ps: I should warn you this can be a little knife-like. If you have a feeling you will not going to like what I am about to say, you can skip this page. But this is something that a woman should not keep quiet about and I hope this way is decent enough....

If you think it is alright for your partner to abuse you with his words, far worse... hit  you, lay his hands on you and make you feel you are not worth his respect, I have to use this chance to let you know that you are wrong. 

You think that is how a relationship is supposed to be or that you deserve it. You do not.

I am sorry, and I know your pain. Let me know how I can be of help, because there is no shame in saying so.

If you let the relationship change you to become someone that you are not.... it is probably because you do not really know who you really are yet, so you get carried away and try to re assure that this is just a phase that you need to go through. It's okay, I have been there. But self exploring is something we owe to self and not anyone else. Keep walking.

I am nowhere near perfection but fitted enough to share because I speak by a bittersweet truth I have experienced from a thing or two out of the scenario above. With a massive courage, I also have to get through a severe pain before being able to save myself.  I know what I am worth. Know what I deserve. 

Truth is, it took me a while to be able to gather myself and speak this up, with only one humble intention, I have to let you know  : No one... nothing... should stop you from getting the love that you deserve. 

Too hard and too  impossible for you? I know, I probably will need to read this for myself if I ever be in a similar situation again. But, remember one more thing... 

How to please a wowan/man

This saying below is funny!

Ladies, are you that " so hard to pleased to" type? Are all women are? My best friend Joe thinks that my mindset is more like a man than a girl. I do not know if I have to be flattered or offended about it but he is my best friend and one thing you do to your best friend is appreciating his or her opinion. 

Using the sample mentioned; I do not want my man to miss a game for me! I want him to invite me to watch the game!

In a nutshell, I understand that woman can be somewhat too sophisticated and accomplished that they require things men might consider as too much. Might... :)

On the other side, I believe not all men are that simple. Well some can easily be pleased but there are men who requires a lot more than just a beer and a casual making out to make them happy. Men who really are a true gentleman and affluent in many paths in his life ... including career and relationship, and everything in between. Just saying :)