Things my divorce taught me.

A dear friend is going through a divorce at this moment. So, based on her request, I am re-posting this piece from a year ago.

This post is not a mellow one. It is a written assurance of how thankful I am now. For my divorce (4 years ago)- now 5, has taught me a lot that I am willing to share here, with no intention at all to pry.
One thing for sure, divorce taught you a lot about life, love, your friendship, family, and your vision about relationship(s). 
But foremost, it taught you a lot about yourself. 

Here goes.

1. It is okay to change your mind. Obviously. Tho in my case, it may seem like I have registered for a swimming club to just then finding out that I am allergic to chlorine... But, really... why would you risk getting all those skin rashes anyway?

• You will have this super power to listen to your heart more attentively. You will finally understand that you are not that much of a coward anyway, because you are not afraid to take chances and embrace changes. Even though it hurts you to the bone.
• Bitter truth lesson: Love, apparently, in a contrary of what The Beatles keep telling us in "All you need is Love" is, not the only thing you need. 
• Prioritizing battles is one skill I never thought I have. Now I know that I can do that. It may seems like an act of ignorance, but there are things that does not deserve a glance of a headache and there are things that deserve my blood-shed battle. My divorce taught me to differentiate those. 
• Some people can give you "that look" when you tell them you are divorced. That "Oh, sorry, you will find a better one someday" look (As if they think they know that's all that you are looking forward to in life!). Some sad people will be suspicious that you would want to eat every available-not available man that is breathing (including theirs!) Neither of those ideas that I care about.
• There are also people who think they know what's best for you and aren't afraid to make pointy judgment to hurt you and make you feel guilty. Do they mean it? I do not know. But  lucky for me, it is my very own family that once told me this at the beginning of my divorce trials: "You can't worry about what everyone else thinks."
• You will learn to understand that healing may take time. And trust... no surprise here; takes longer to re-build. And no need to rush. But admitting this is half the battle. I am getting there, in my timid baby steps.
• The continuous self-discovery after divorce roams in and around all aspects of my life, including sex. You will feel more empowered and confident since you started to see it as more of a need and can be separated from emotional attachments, if you like. Or, there can be some in it, there can be a lot. It is up to you. BUT Get to know your body and do things the healthy way! Self love is recommended. Vibrator, ladies, is a healthy option too!
• It makes you less judgmental. It folds you to be super critical towards men. Again, do not feel guilty about ditching someone just because he did not open the door for you (or because he does not read a lot of books, or has no health insurance, or not wearing nice shoes, does not like dogs!) 
• On a heavier note, it did change how I see religion. But it does not change the way God loves me and it makes me love Him even more. 
• Wolfing dinner by the sink is not a sin. So does gulping over a bottle of red (alone!) when you feel like casual dating is just a "meh" idea.
• You will be struck in an awe realizing that you can forgive. I did that. And it is very liberating.
• There will be skills and passions of you that are suddenly blooming. Simply because you have time to care more about yourself, your career, your potential. You will wake up one day feeling thankful for the roof upon your head that you actually built, or for that designer label hand bag you bought for yourself, or even maybe... for that handsome man next to you that you do not know his name of. 
• If you really ask yourself, and really-really answer, you know, that you still believe in falling in love again. And last one...
• You will burn, destroy, erase the things that are not you.

Ps: You asked me what to do first? This below:

Things my Divorce Taught Me

This post is not a mellow one. It is a written assurance of how thankful I am now. For my divorce (4 years ago), has taught me a lot that I am willing to share here, with no intention at all to pry.
One thing for sure...Divorce taught you a lot about life, love, your friendship, family, and your vision about relationship. 
But foremost, it taught you a lot about yourself. 
Here goes.

1. It is okay to change your mind. Obviously. Tho in my case, it may seem like I have registered for a swimming club to just then finding out that I am allergic to chlorine... But, really... why would you risk getting all those skin rashes?
2. You will have this super power to listen to your heart more attentively. You will finally understand that you are not that much of a coward anyway, because you are not afraid to take chances and embracing changes. Even though it hurts you to the bone.
3. Bitter truth lesson: Love... apparently, in a contrary of what The Beatles keep telling us in "All you need is Love"....is, not the only thing you need. 
4. Prioritising battles is one skill I never thought I have. Now I know that I can do that. It may seems like an act of ignorance, but there are things that do not deserve a glance of a headache and there are things that deserve my blood-shed battle. My divorce taught me to differentiate those. 
5. Some people can give you "that look" when you tell them you are divorced. That "Oh, sorry, you will find a better one someday" look (As if they think they know that's all that you are looking forward to in life!). Some sad people will be suspicious that you would want to eat every available-not available man that is breathing (including theirs!) Neither of those ideas that I care about.
6. There are also people who think they know what's best for you and aren't afraid to make pointy judgment to hurt you and make you feel guilty. Do they mean it? I do not know. But  lucky for me, it is my very own family that once told me this at the beginning of my divorce trials: "You can't worry about what everyone else thinks."
7. You will learn to understand that healing may take time. And trust... no surprise here; takes longer to re-build. And no need to rush. But admitting this is half the battle. I am getting there, in my timid baby steps.
8. The continuous self-discovery after divorce roams in and around all aspects of my life, including sex. You will feel more empowered and confident since you started to see it as more of a need and can be separated from emotional attachments, if you like. Or, there can be some in it, there can be a lot. It is up to you. BUT Get to know your body and do things the healthy way! Self love is recommended. Vibrator, ladies, is healthier than shacking up with some random guys. Although if you want to do the latter, make sure to keep yourself safe.
9. It makes you judge things less... almost all things but... it folds you to be super critical towards men. Again, do not feel guilty about ditching someone just because he did not open the door for you (or because he does not read a lot of books, or has no health insurance, or not wearing nice shoes, and does not like dogs?!) 
10. On a heavier note... for me, it did change how I see religion... but, the good news is... it does not change the way God loves me and it makes me love Him even more. 
11. Wolfing dinner by the sink is not a sin. So does gulping over a bottle of red (alone!) when you feel like casual dating is just a "meh" idea for some nights.  
12. You will be struck in an awe realising that you can forgive. I did that. And it is very liberating.
13. There will be skills and passions of you that are suddenly blooming. Simply because you have time to care more about yourself, your career, your potential. You will wake up one day feeling thankful for the roof upon your head that you actually built, or for that designer label hand bag you bought for yourself, or even maybe... for that handsome man next to you that you do not know his name of. 
14. If you really ask yourself... and really-really answer... you know, that you still believe in falling in love again. And last one... 
15. You will burn, destroy, erase... the things that are not you.
    

Pieces of mind of a Divorcée

No matter how many times I tell myself that such letter of acknowledgment is far from necessary, the alter part of me is more intrigued by the therapeutic affect it may bring.  Therefore I am writing this down. All this train of thought that seems to be overflowing. For all the women out there in this so called world in whichever end they are standing.

Here it goes; 
If any of you knows anyone who is entering a marriage but picturing a divorce at the end of it, please let me know. Because to this very second I know no one.

Funny enough, not only that I thought of a divorce as something that will never happen, I never believe in a fairy tale kind of life too.

I am (to this day) a very realistic person. I believe that there is no such thing as soul mate either. Relationship is something that you have to work on. I believe in no “Mr Right” just as much as I do not believe in the existance of a “Mrs. Right”.

To me, all those luxury need to be earned. No magic. No “heaven related”.

Foremost, let me declare this; my understanding and or proclamation of a divorce is not because I do not believe in the glory of God bestowed in the marriage. But, because I further believe that God also gives the same extent of glory in the happiness of each of his creations. Human being is one absolute creation.  A divorce happened with all the consciousness any couple could ever experienced. By choice. Free will. Not by fate.

• No one. No one ever plan this at the beginning of their marriage. So stop analyzing this as a force of habit, or as if you have read the signs from the beginning. Don’t start saying “Ah… I knew it…. “. Chances are; you don’t.
• It took a couple a lot of pain to be able to step into this decision. As a couple, they are shattered. As an individual, they hit rock bottom. So no matter one part can get the most prominent blame, truth is… no one is actually hurt less. So please, spare the judgment.
• Not every divorcée receives alimony. Never question why. It is her decision, her will, her choice. Save your wanders of guessing the reason behind this decision. Mind your own business.
• There were nights when she broke down crying for a mercy from God. That is all she needed to do. Most of the time, people always think a divorcée is obliged to explain everything to everyone. The answer is no.
• If she seems  carefree, attractive and sometimes like a seductive goddess, that is simply the cause of an endorphin release. It took her a lot to get there. That’s all. Something that has been holding her from that path is gone. Let her breathe. She is happy now. She deserves to be.
• If you suspiciously think that all divorcée are in a mission to take your boyfriend or husband’s attention from you, your relationship need help.
• There was probably something missing from her in the marriage. Not about the marriage- but about her. Something that used to be hers, but was slipping away. Something she used to claim as her true inner identity, but vanishes along the way. Now that she is divorced, she may run as fast as she can to look for that missing piece again. Going all crazy eyes and in such energy to just be herself again. Let.her.be.
• She can talk hours and hours about her “awakening” dream. A dream she realizes was being in neglect. Be her friend. Listen to her. You know those starry eyes of hers? Those are her reflection of new hopes. She is not asking for a sympathy. But, ultimately need a friend’s support.
• If she's with children, understand this; Her children are the most important and influential thing in her life. In them she found strength, either to be able to fall in and out of love again, or to live in such honor one day at a time. In them, she found that there is something worth treasure behind all the misery she has been living on. If you ever want to be part in her life, accept that fact. Be in that fact.
• Her past, folded her to be less… less judgmental. Saucy self secret? Tell her. She will keep your secret save; she will say no bitter comment.
• So she will second guess your purpose, she will resent you at first. Understand that this is not about you. She needs time.
• And on the other hand, if she is into you and you are not; man up and tell her that. Tell her that you are not interested and just want to remain friends. She is a big girl. She will appreciate you for that. And trust me- she is mature enough to still treat you as a friend.
• If you ever win her heart… Delight in it. Embrace her within. She will show you that she is worth every flaws, every broken heart, every trials and every fight.

One day, she will stand on her own again. In the perfect place she found most comfortable at after one major acceptance. Where you can recognize her again because she finally is at her peace. When she finally is her very self, again. She is beyond ready to move on. Be it alone, or with another person.

ps: to my sweet friend MOB(and..self)

sayingimages