Things I am afraid to tell my Mother

When my friends met my look-like-a-forty-something Mama, the first comment will be "Oh she's so pretty!". And, pretty she is. 
She has aged gracefully, you will see wrinkles and imperfections of a few gray hairs. But since she has this pair of wandering eyes, she does not seem like a grandma with two grandsons. And boy I wish I will have a figure like her when I am at her age.

She's more like a friend than a mother. That's about it. And both my mom and I have been through only a roller-coaster kind of life. Nothing less. She is "younger" than I am in many ways and is impulsive, and been to places and conditions we can not even imagine. 
But that story is for us to keep.0

So for me, there is no reason to hide stories from her. No need to pretend to be somebody that you are not when dealing with her. I do not always mind my language when we talk. We can talk about anything. She will just love you no matter what. Really!

Even so... there are things that I find hard to just casually mention to her when we talk.
ps: This is my time to be selfish so I can write anything... even if it sounds too hilarious.

Mama,
I believe in things that most people would cringe to, I allow myself to  be exposed to many understandings, dogmas and to this day, I still do not believe that a complete life comes in template order: dating-marriage-kids. I do not. It can be that way, but it can also be in different order. I may follow the path, I may not.

Dad and you have set a benchmark that is so high, I can only get teary when thinking about it... But funny enough, that's also what is stopping me. I might change. I may not. This is something that I do not know for sure, and I am fine with not knowing. 

But I want to tell you that I am not afraid to love again, I am not afraid to share life with someone that I know will take care of my heart. I just do not think he will be brave (read: crazy) enough to love me. I know people have been asking me to stop comparing dad with any man. I eventually will, I know that. 
Someday, I will be on the floor thanking God for having to make my heart finally giving up. 

Mama,
About grandchild. I know you have two beautiful grandsons now and they keep you busy. I secretly am thankful for that. Not only because I love those boys to death too but also... also because they stop you from asking when is mine going to come into the world. I have no answer to this Mama, I really do not. I lost one of your "supposed-to-be-grandchild" and the aching pain from not getting a chance to hold my very own baby is taking a remarkably slow time to heal... 
I always want to be a mama. Of a boy at first will be best. The girl can come after. Or whichever order. I know you know that.
But, what if I can never do that? Will this mean you will spend time less with me than the rest of my other siblings who can give you more little round belly for you to carry? Will this make me less perfect, and the saddest thing... less of a woman? 

I am moving forward, Mama. 
From all of our past and the lost times I once demanded for you to give back to me. I forgive myself, for causing such terrible miss-understandings whenever we had hardships that made you once (or twice) think that I love you not. 

Nothing that I would change about you and I. But one I thing I know for sure is that I am thankful for you.... and the good genes: (ahem, good metabolism) I have gotten from you.

I.Love.You.

Your first.

Heroes in Your Life

Well hello November 10. Day for all heroes. A day when the people of Indonesia celebrate National Heroes Day to commemorate a chain of events collectively known as the Battle of Surabaya — a confrontation and battle between pro-independence Indonesian soldiers, or Nederlandsch Indie Civil Administratie , and British and Dutch (VOC) troops during the fight for independence. Bung Tomo (Sutomo), is one of the key icons celebrated on National Heroes Day.

I played 'Bung Tomo' once in elementary school and rewarded as the 'Best Performer' :) ( yes, I played a man's character). 

As I reluctantly leave my childhood behind, I realize that National Heroes Day is not merely about people who have died in a battle field. Your hero, can be anyone in you life. With all my high respects to the veterans, whenever this day comes, I always treasure other heroes I luckily happened to cross paths with, and heroes I still have in my life.

They are:

Teachers. This mostly because I grew up with one, my dear late Grandfather/ Ompung Andersen Simanjuntak. His noble life enables me to see teachers as a bridge to my dreams. They teach you, they make sure you understand, they test you so that you will be prepared and armed by the time they have to let you go. And they just stand there. Being proud and all, before soon to be forgotten. It saddens me to admit the bitter truth that here in this country, my one and only Indonesia, teachers welfare is somewhat there below the horizons. 'Heroes Without Medals' indeed. If you still have a chance to bring an apple to your teacher's desk, do so. Thank them. It will shower their heart with even more happiness to teach their students.

Mothers. My Mom is nothing like Claire Huxtable or any other ideal Mom you can ever think of. My Mom is the most unique,  unpredictable, free-spirited and bluntly speaking, a handful! But trough her history, I learned to appreciate life even more. Witnessing what she has been through and the fact that she keeps going; somehow elevates me. I know her well so I can say that she's been really brave. She did fight for me once after all. And, yes, every mother did. The battle they went through during labor risk nothing but their life. And it does not end there. Or maybe, it never will. So be grateful if you are a Mama. No matter what your teenagers say to your face today, they will soon look back and realize how much they love you.

How about you? Who your heroes are? Firefighters?, Doctors?, Missioners?.

ps: Selamat Hari Pahlawan, Indonesia.

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Smooth Sea

No matter how much I can bow my head in an agreement to this quote... still, I sometimes wish things can be just a bit easier. But as an Irish proverbs says... " “You are not a fully fledged sailor unless you have sailed under full sail,”

So, sail on!

ps: In a deep and unending prayers to my Mother :'). May God's merciful healing power be with you Mama...

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Momma's day!

Happy International Mother's day.

Do not forget to tell her how much you love her!

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Happy 54, Mama!

Happy 54 to Rosita Simanjuntak! Our free-spirited, loving and cheerful Mom, and a grandma (a.k.a Ompung) to her soon to be 5 year old Joseph! Remember that you are blessed and we are grateful that you have become stronger and happier each and everyday.

To pray for your health may sound cheesy but you know what, Mom... that is the one thing we need to have you around for at least another century! Hahaha...

Thank you for the roller coaster life that we have been through to this day,it was never a merry go-round indeed! Thank you for never judging any of your children and to let us just be us. Thank you for believing in our decisions, our ways, in our dreams. For loving, trusting our friends and lovers (and dogs)
 All in all...  thank you for sticking up with us the whole time!

Tuhan Yesus memberkati Mama.

Hugs and kisses... 

Tressabel (and my man ;)), Benevolent (+ Budi and Joseph Kiyoshi), Detrianne (+ Oki Leonardus and their bun in the oven), Maharani, Isaac.

Yes, she is in the kid's  "mandi bola"

Surat cinta untuk Mama

my mom and dad

Dear Mama,

I don’t always understand you. But then again, I also don’t think that it was easy for you to handle my “know it all” attitude, my mood swing, and my tendency to rebel almost everything you said. Back when I was a walking hormone in a growing 16 year old girl body.

Then time travels. And here we are. I am in my 30-ies, well 31 to be exact and you are gracefully reaching 53. We are no longer the same women who keep fighting over our most lovable Man. My Dad, that is. We no longer judge each other choices and decisions. We accept our differences.We stepped out from our long dwell on the past, we embrace future- no matter how shady it sometimes seems.

We don’t see each other as a competition no more, I see you as a personality. You see me as a friend. I see us grow.

Your say, your tears, your grief, your happiness…and the fact that you stand still, even though I know your hardships is eating you out most of the time... Elevates me…

You used to give up easily. Now that you are alone, you grow stronger everyday.

You used to be the weak one, now that you are a grandmother; we cannot imagine how that beautiful grandson of yours ever life without your crazy yet strong strong love.

You used to contra every single thing I do. And now, even at my lowest moment, you got my back.

Happy birthday, Mama. Let us celebrate every bits and pieces that God has placed around you.

Don’t give up. Not now. Especially, not you.

Love,
Proud daughter

ps: And remember, we have a full 4 days tour in Bali arranged for you at the end of this month!