Mother of an Angel Baby

I remember my frozen feet.  The painkiller had worked numbing my back and belly. The cramp had disappeared. Leaving just me. And my feet.

I remember the doctor telling me: "Please pray according to your beliefs, Ma'am. I am sorry you may have lost your baby."

I remember looking at him trying to find something wrong with his words. I told him he was wrong.

He was.

And the next morning, I gave birth.

Things I want to tell my angel baby

Dear my angel baby,

I cannot change the painful-bitter fact that we did not get to know each-other and that I did not even get to see your face, or hear you laugh and sing with you

But I know we will meet eventually

And before that day, I have things to say to you. Things that maybe you already know

Sunshine is one of my favourite thing in the world. When it shines, its warmth touches you like a soft kiss from the universe.

I imagined having you on my lap and we can just shower under the rays, I will tell you stories my grandparents used to tell me, we can share ice cream if you like. My favourite flavours are; Pistachio, Hazelnut, Coffee, and a combination of them three.

We will read together, day and night. I will allow you to pick your own clothes everyday. There will be one room in the house where the walls are built for you to paint. However you like it.

Also, I am telling you, we will always have dogs. You will like their company.   

I do not like Italian food. And I always... always have a bad hand writing. I hope that does not get to you:). The handwriting, I mean.

I love the beach. And everything that it brings. Oh, how I wish I can tell you what the smell of the ocean likes, and how the waves make instrumental sound I think originally made in heaven.
Or, maybe you already knew?

There are days when I miss you so badly. I will cry and laugh at the same time. I mean, how can you miss someone you never actually met? Why is that even possible?

I bet you have a dark as the night hair. You got it from me. I am not sure on how you look like when you smile... I am aching in wonder just thinking about them.

Did I regret not having you? Angel baby... I do. I regret everything that we did not get to experience together.
I regret that I did not even have a chance to hear you cry or be there for you when your heart is broken. Regret that there will be no sleepless nights over books and movies and your endless questions about birds, and clouds and love and God.

But this bigger force that is beyond my understanding is now holding you. And somewhere in my heart I know, that is where you belong.
Until the day your eyes and mine will struck for the first and very last time.

Mutual first love, is what I am guessing to happen.
Till later.

Acceptance Board

Do you have an inspiration board? I do. But I am not going to share that with you now or maybe ever:) . This board I am going to spill about is a different one.

It's an "acceptance" board. A collage of a few unexpected milestones or ordeals I have experienced in the past- and I chose to accept wholeheartedly. 

My board also includes the one thing that I have been dreaming about since I was 12 years old- but never ever going to happen; being escorted by my Dad to the altar.
I have carefully selected only ones I know I will still be open for a discussion for or up for sharing over a cup of coffee or two (or, make it a bottle of Cab Sav). 
Some others are not; only between my Shepherd and I. 

This is what a wise elderly taught me once...
There are things you cannot change in life. But, once you step into the acceptance phase, you know you are not going to let that rule your happiness and your future out. 

I am in such relief to lay these moments down, not to forget it, but to know that I somehow am wonderfully shaped by them. 
Therefore, I am in acceptance. Are you?

Things I have accepted:')