The waiting room

by Ponomariova_Maria

To the woman holding back her tears behind closed doors

To the ones squalling with fury and those who have yet to hold another stick that says: "It is a no."

A deep breath and a tight hug

To the ones waiting and those who, with all their hearts, are convinced it is time for a different plan, a pivot, or a full-stop
To the big-dark-eyed ones trying to look away as she spotted another woman's glow 
Here’s a smile that signs “I do that too.”

To those who've collected children's books for years hoping that someday, on a perfect day, she gets to read them together with someone she's been waiting for
someone small, all smiles, and smells so sweet, someone uniquely part of her and her loved one
A limerick and a song or two 

To all of you out there
I am here, shelving another hardcover classic and saying that I am thinking about you.

Do you want to have children?

"Yes, of course."

Ruth Orkin

Things I am afraid to tell my Mother

When my friends met my look-like-a-forty-something Mama, the first comment will be "Oh she's so pretty!". And, pretty she is. 
She has aged gracefully, you will see wrinkles and imperfections of a few gray hairs. But since she has this pair of wandering eyes, she does not seem like a grandma with two grandsons. And boy I wish I will have a figure like her when I am at her age.

She's more like a friend than a mother. That's about it. And both my mom and I have been through only a roller-coaster kind of life. Nothing less. She is "younger" than I am in many ways and is impulsive, and been to places and conditions we can not even imagine. 
But that story is for us to keep.0

So for me, there is no reason to hide stories from her. No need to pretend to be somebody that you are not when dealing with her. I do not always mind my language when we talk. We can talk about anything. She will just love you no matter what. Really!

Even so... there are things that I find hard to just casually mention to her when we talk.
ps: This is my time to be selfish so I can write anything... even if it sounds too hilarious.

Mama,
I believe in things that most people would cringe to, I allow myself to  be exposed to many understandings, dogmas and to this day, I still do not believe that a complete life comes in template order: dating-marriage-kids. I do not. It can be that way, but it can also be in different order. I may follow the path, I may not.

Dad and you have set a benchmark that is so high, I can only get teary when thinking about it... But funny enough, that's also what is stopping me. I might change. I may not. This is something that I do not know for sure, and I am fine with not knowing. 

But I want to tell you that I am not afraid to love again, I am not afraid to share life with someone that I know will take care of my heart. I just do not think he will be brave (read: crazy) enough to love me. I know people have been asking me to stop comparing dad with any man. I eventually will, I know that. 
Someday, I will be on the floor thanking God for having to make my heart finally giving up. 

Mama,
About grandchild. I know you have two beautiful grandsons now and they keep you busy. I secretly am thankful for that. Not only because I love those boys to death too but also... also because they stop you from asking when is mine going to come into the world. I have no answer to this Mama, I really do not. I lost one of your "supposed-to-be-grandchild" and the aching pain from not getting a chance to hold my very own baby is taking a remarkably slow time to heal... 
I always want to be a mama. Of a boy at first will be best. The girl can come after. Or whichever order. I know you know that.
But, what if I can never do that? Will this mean you will spend time less with me than the rest of my other siblings who can give you more little round belly for you to carry? Will this make me less perfect, and the saddest thing... less of a woman? 

I am moving forward, Mama. 
From all of our past and the lost times I once demanded for you to give back to me. I forgive myself, for causing such terrible miss-understandings whenever we had hardships that made you once (or twice) think that I love you not. 

Nothing that I would change about you and I. But one I thing I know for sure is that I am thankful for you.... and the good genes: (ahem, good metabolism) I have gotten from you.

I.Love.You.

Your first.

Mother of an Angel Baby

Do you know that I should have this necklace too? :')
 

Unknown

Mama Tiger

No pictures of flowers in a vase. Nor a heart-shaped cake.
This powerful picture is what I chose for Mother's Day celebration today. Isn't she a gorgeous, brave, protective Mama tiger?

Pinterest

Besties

Be still my heart :)

From Pinterest

Inspiration Sunday: Babyfather

Just to share one song that is now playing for the hundredth of time on my playlist. Such an inspiring track from one talented musician. 

I mean, ya... I want to have someone that I can call as my baby daddy one day :)

ps: Thank you, Cindy!

I don't know, I just feel it

The sweetest friend of mine asked: "How can you be so sure that you want to be a mother someday, or even sometime near?" 

I did not know how I look when I answer her. But maybe I looked excitingly... clueless.  Ha! In the end, I  said; "I don't know... I think I just feel it"

Here's a hint. If you ask me something and my respond is "I do not know"; look me in the eye! If you spotted even the tiniest spark of excitement, the real answer is: I have so many things on my mind but I cannot tell you about it because I am afraid that you will think of me as a crazy person. 

And right before bed, as my brain switched to an "at ease" mode, I untie one reason to another. Yes, motherhood can really be so tough. I know it is not a walk in the park.
(No, no bun is in the oven yet. I am in no rush:))

But...  let me tell you.
I am looking forward to feel that fuzzy sense when you realize someone is changing you wholeheartedly.
I want to experience that gut wrenching feeling when you realize that there's nothing you would not do to make sure your little one is safe and happy.

I am not a mother yet but I know for sure; only my flesh and blood can do that to me in a second. Most probably on his or hers very first breath.

And this poem I just read is an absolute affirmation. A short poem so sweet it make my heart hurts.

"I never pulled over the car just to stare at horses, I never was willing to give someone else my last bite, I never planned on handling someone else's boogers, I never listened to a song 50 times in a row, I never found rocks in my dryer, I never had the power to heal a wound with my kiss … until you."- Unknown-

ps: I have once listened to a song 50 times in a row. But it was part of my fault since I introduced Jack Johnson's Banana Pancake to my baby nephew.

from Shutter Sisters