The Grief We Choose to Endure

It's been eight months since my first rescue dog, Mahoni, passed away.

This morning, I woke up at the break of dawn longing for her: the sound of her paws, her big brown eyes, her gorgeous brown coat, and her burying her beautiful face under my arms. I miss all those things.  

I thought I was okay and had come to terms with the end of our 11-year relationship. But that morning, I realized something new; being okay has nothing to do with grief. 

To spare you the intricate details, Mahoni was my rock during my formative years in Bali. I was going through a rough time and made a lot of wrong decisions in trying to fill the void. I was also entangled in toxic relationships.

Mahoni was the one I could be completely honest with. Sure, she had her infamous side eye and reactive behaviors towards certain people, but her unwavering love always outweighed my pain. We shared highs and lows with tears and laughter, and even though I've managed to rebuild my life and have been blessed with wonderful friends, family, and more dogs to love, Mahoni's place is irreplaceable. 

I'm okay living my life without her by my side, but I'm better when I can revisit our stories every now and then.

This is the grief I've chosen to endure, and I'll be eternally grateful for it.

Forever in my heart

Here's an unpopular opinion about dogs: Not all puppies are cute. Mahoni certainly was not.

From the moment I found her on the street by the gutter, she had that fury in her eyes like she had seen something eerie or sad.

She was not playful and growled with her tiny voice like she owned her space.

But I've met my match. I was not in a good place that year. That very first night, she slept on my belly like she belonged. We said to each other "Finally, you're here"

Her name was "Si Kaus Kaki" or Socky at first. I was applying for a mortgage on Mahoni Street, and I promised to bestow her with the street name if I got the house. We all know the end to that promise.

Over the years, she's been protecting our home from snakes, monitor lizards, monkeys, and even red-flagged homo sapiens (yep, toxic relationships). It was only my sister Maharani that Mahoni softened up to pretty quickly.

She emphasized she was the boss whenever we had a new rescue dog by not allowing them to come to me first, always eating at a higher spot (chair or table), and standing against my back whenever I did some house chores. She did not shy away from playing favorites as she only grooms her closest and oldest sister, Marilyn.

Whenever Marilyn had an episode (seizure), Mahoni would sit next to us, to steer our other dogs from coming closer.

When Mahoni met Yovan, she let her guard down in the most vulnerable way. There is not enough space here on IG to share how much that means to me, but I can tell you that it was so relieving for me.

When her diagnosis came, the vet said a dog like Mahoni could be so strong-willed in hiding her frailness. She kept trying to look strong whenever I was in the exam room. We tried everything to heal her, but God says her trip was done.

I am faithful to be ready for this next chapter that does not have her. 11 years may seem long, but not when it's your dog.

With a void that resonates with frail tunes, I know my heart will never be the same. But I would not have it any other way.

This grief is worth enduring.

Thank you for 11 years of blessings and a lifetime of missing you, Kakak Mahoni. You've made a Mama out of me. 🖤♥️💔🌈

#adoptionrocks

A little note on your kid's first day of school

 

Samuel my nephew, 3 y.o

This one is for Mamas, Dads, or other parent figures with bawled eyes posting pictures of their kids' first day of school.

I hope you'll find peace and delight knowing that you've made it possible for your little one to explore the endless world of knowledge.

You did it. 

Now take a deep breath. Have that glass of wine, read your fashion magazine, make that business call, or take a non interrupted shower with that sweet fragrant of soap bar you've been saving. 

Anything to appreciate those rare moments of being a trusting parent, knowing that your kids are in the right hand and in a safe space.

Your kids will be home soon. Eyes all wide (they're probably a bit smelly), ready to tell you about their day.

Day one. 

You did it.

An Ode to Parents of Dogs

Your truly and almost 11 y.o Mahoni, my first rescue in Bali

There is a special bond that unites us mothers and fathers of dogs. In a world that does not get us, we share stories about chewed sofas and pulled harnesses on walkies.

Even when we have not met, we know each other's dogs' quirks and allergies, or who's a weather frog and who's a good girl and the alpha sire.

Do you have to be home before it gets dark because Butch has anxiety? We get that.
Here, I share you song lists to calm your dogs during a thunderstorm.

You mute yourself about ten times during an hour online meeting because how would Lilly know how to wait for dinner? We've been there.
We have rollers that we grab right before we leave the house.
None of us have doorbells at home. Because boy wasn't Jojo a loud mutt!

Your vet bills are mounting, but won't you provide the best care for those glassy eyes who've witnessed you cry to sleep?
Then there are sleepless nights when you lie next to their old face. You convince yourself you never hear the clock ticking that loud.
In tow, your fear.

Then, that void. A void only we can understand.
A quiet yet magnitude pain when you look for their shadow and it's just no longer there.

"It's just a dog." is a phrase we will never comprehend, and we don't intend to.
There is no need to explain this bond to the world.

In our dogs' world, there is a type of love that is just enough for them, even when we think we should have given them more.
There is a time frame that's sufficient for them, even when we always want more.
One more day.
One more chewed sofa. One more ruined meeting. One more walk.

One more sleep that gets us to wake up to our first day together. So we can do it all over again.
Because who would bear the hassle of installing a doorbell?

(Dedicated to those who get it. We are thankful for your friendship 💜) #dogsarefamily

What is the scariest part about relationship?

For me, it has always been (and is) about when I feel a gentle kick in my gut, that I have started being vulnerable. My autopilot defence mechanism will tell me to: stop. "You should never accept help." "This too will end badly." 

This is the loudest one; "You are going to get hurt."

Of course, I have learned that vulnerability is a key ingredient in creating healthy, fulfilling relationship. I understand the whys, I even heard stories about how couples are getting solid foundation from being open about their fears and or worries. Because contrary to what the world believes, vulnerability, is actually a measure of strength and courage, not weakness.

But when it comes to actually being vulnerable in real life, I struggle my wobbly ways forward. How do I do that? 

Especially, how do one who have been through most things alone able to say "I need help.", "Will you take care of me?". Or simply saying "Can you pick me up at the airport, please?" 

With this pandemic lurking, messing with our every plans, collapsing the world, I am cornered to feeling depressed from time to time. There are significant albeit painful changes that my family must face, some are even exposed to the virus. Like normal humans, I cannot always roll with the punches. 

I am slowly learning to lean in, to accepting help and support. Into believing that God has more in store when it comes to love and life.

I hope, you are being patient with me. 

How to talk to Little Girls

I stumbled upon a GREAT article How to Talk to Little Girls by Lisa Bloom, which encourages adults to ask little girls about ideas and books, instead of complementing their looks. Ouch. Was I being completely wrong the whole time?

from Pinterest

May is Gray

This is a coincidence that I am not happy about. 
As we are entering the month of May, our family received a horrifying news. My uncle is diagnosed with late stage brain cancer. He is a Junior high teacher, who spends his weekends leading the church's vocal group.

May is "Brain Cancer Awareness Month."
May is Gray.
May... suddenly becomes this sickening month that feels so relevant and so close with us.
May... becomes so real. May is now numbered for our family.

I cannot dispense any details on this subject just yet.
But if you are reading this... May I ask a simple prayer from you, please?
Just for my uncle. So that he will stand by God's grace with his wife and children to get through this.

That's all for now.

Happy 2016

Here's a blog I have been trying not to post. But I finally did.

Dedicated to all the people who never understand about my relationship with my furry children. And who's been telling me that "It is not the same with being married and having real children."

I won't argue with that.

Give thanks and saying hello to 2015

I would usually post a typical New Year's resolution and wish list... This time, I just want to take a moment to thank You...

For my health, my career and my family. None of them will be my treasure if it was not for your grace. And it is sufficient for me.

For anything of everything that I bring home, and a little something extra that I can share, so that people will see how good God really is.

My friends that turn into families. My two healthy and happy dogs as they have been an amazing companion for more than 2 years. Woof them (friends and dogs)

For the strength and reassurance you gave us all when we lost our dearest cousins, and a best friend in the same year. Psalm 115:16.
My siblings; Benevolent, Detrianne, Maharani, Isaac. My in laws Budi and Leonardus. My nephews Joseph and Nathanael. And our dearest Mama, Rosita. Our extended family and dearests friends and of course, my darling readers.
I thank you for everything that they bring into my heart.


For 2014, God, thank you.

May You guide me still along my continuous growth in the walk of FAITH.

Thank You and let's see what else we can thank for in 2015.

I pray you'll be our eyes

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

Untuk kekasih-kekasih hati yang telah berpulang  kerumah Bapa di surga di tahun 2014 ini Eliap Lumbantoruan, Elkana Lumbantoruan, and John Ray.

Dan yang sudah mendahului... Andersen Pohan Simanjuntak, Luther Marali Hutasoit, Miduk Hutasoit, Marurat Hutasoit, dan Elfrida Lumbantoruan.

Ahu do dalan I (I am the way)

I posted this song lyrics a few months ago. One of Dad's fave Batak gospel song that he used to play and sing. My dear cousin Elkana Lumbantoruan posted his encouraging comments, saying that he listens to the song everyday. 

Even in the midst of his battle over cancer, he managed to elevate my then nearly estranged faith.

He is in God's hands now. Miracles do happen. As us God's children keep on believing in His time and plan... then experiencing faith restoration.

Till we meet again, brother. I know you will sing out praises in the house of the Lord! Philippians 1:21.

ps: The 

song: "Ahu do dalan I" (I am the way- John 14:6) 

Letter to CURRIE Hutasoit

This post is to celebrate your birthday, Detrianie Anna CURRIE Hutasoit!

And I believe that this is something that you can relate!

Even for a genius like Marie Currie, haters exist! She won two Nobel Prizes for her work in two different categories, she was one of the leading physicists doing groundbreaking work in radioactivity (I seriously have zero idea about it, I mean, what the what is radium?!). As a bonus, she gave the world... well... "JUST" X-rays. But trolls and haters of 1911 attacked and judge her anyway. Her religious background, her relationship status was questioned and criticized. Haters came after her (and any of us) for being remarkably happy and successful. They despise anyone who shines, especially if it is their eyes that got burn.

So, it does not matter how you carefully select what to feed your baby with, people will criticize anyway. You will never gain or lose enough weight for haters, because the minute you are happy with your body, that's when they think you look like you need help. And when your husband accepts you for who you are (say you did not crisp-iron his Sunday's best) other people will roll their eyes as if they're the ones going to church with you. When your business attempts fail, and you manage to keep that smile on your face as you try again, they curse you for being "unrealistic." And dear, you're right. It is not even their money.

However, just like you, Marie Curie had plenty of people who supported her too, including Albert Einstein. He wrote her a letter of support, essentially telling her to shake it off. The advice still holds up: “don’t read that hogwash.”

Trying to be slightly like Einstein, I am asking you to remember this; you are an amazing Mama, a sweet sister and daughter, the greatest cook and brave entrepreneur, a supportive and loving wife. Nothing... nothing can change that. 

Happy Birthday, Selamat Ulang Tahun, Tuhan Yesus memberkati :)

ps: Dad did not give you that name for no reason, and... faith. 

Oh, and my post about Marie Curie a few years ago.

Proverbs 17:6

I deactivated my facebook account a few months ago. This morning, suddenly feeling the urge to contact my late cousin's wife, and some other of my extended families, I re-activate them again. Oh boy did I get "lucky".

We lost Eliap (Hebrews; Eli), our cousin, June this year over cardiac arrest. I could write plenty of posts of his kindness alone. And how he was so supportive of my dream, always read my posts and introduced me to many talented Indonesian writers. 
Ever since his death, I talk to his wife, Kak Tiur online more often that I used to. 

Today, she told me that another one of my cousin, Eliap's younger brother- Elkana (Hebrews; taken from an Israeli settlement in the north-western Samarian hills), is now in critical condition over lung cancer. I talked to Elkana quite often too and have always known that he has been traveling back and forth Penang-Jakarta for chemotherapy the past year. After Eliap's sudden death, our conversations turned into something even deeper; God, death... His plan. Elkana's siblings and my siblings shared the same memories of our parents (their mom and my dad were siblings), our soft-spoken disciplinarian and amazing Piano player; Ompung (Grandpa) Alfred Hutasoit, and how we have been witnessing God's grace in every single day of our lives. One of the best thing that they taught us: Be proud of our culture, learn to use Batak language no matter how far you have traveled the world. This siblings are adoringly successful in their career I am telling you. Their oldest; Elisa is one person that the family always look up to. But no matter how well exposed and successful they are, their love over our roots and its tradition has never been put aside. 
A lesson I will carry for life and forward to my future children.

After Eliap's death, I promised myself to learn reciting The Lord's Prayer in Bataknese. And Elkana's been a great support on that. I am good now :). I can now even sing a few Batak gospel songs!

Just this week, the family was floored. The oncologist has advised Elkana to spend the rest of his days with his family. Cancer has spread everywhere. A happy husband, father of five who never let a day go by without praising God is now counting his final days in bed.

At the end of 2012, we held this big Hutasoit gathering. I missed it. It was just not that long ago, and browsing the pictures now... I realized, we have lost 2 people already. And another one is now battling cancer. They were all there, in the album. Singing, laughing, looking like they still have at least a hundred more years to live...

But, how long have we got left? No one would know. 

I am posting this, in memory of  the two, and in prayer for Elkana and his family... and to appreciate what we have today. Because, really...  what if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

Below photos are taken from late Eliap's facebook album, posted by him with below verse:

Proverbs 17:6"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children."

Well captioned, brother.

The Hutasoits singing Glory Praise The Lord! (RIP  Bapaktua (uncle) Marurat Hutasoit- my Dad's older brother; man in shades)

One with the microphone is Namboru (Aunt) Riris, my Dad's older sister. Dad was really close to this fierce lady who raised 6 children on her own. 

Aunt Kristina, cousin Elkana, Aunt Riris Hutasoit. See how she handles a conversation?

 Elisa Lumbantoruan , Eliap Lumbantoruan (RIP), Togu Tobing (Aunt Riris's son in law), Elkana Lumbantoruan

Isaac Putra Hutasoit, Detrianne Hutasoit and husband Leonardus Situngkir, Maharani Hutasoit, Mama Rosita Simanjuntak

Gone too Soon

Exactly last month, my dearest brother and his friends stayed at my place. They were in the island to attend one massive DJ gig, and spent weekend roaming in and around Bali.
John Ray, one of his best friends, was in the group. I have known him for years... We are one of those families that are always close with each and everyone of each others friends.

That night at my house, Isaac and John with their girls brought beers and snacks to hang with me in the kitchen, played with my dogs and joked about how much we have grown... 

This morning, I received a shocking news that John passed away in his sleep. He was just... slipping... away. And gone.

I could not handle my brother's pain, he cried his lungs out when I called him. First time I heard him cry again since 10 years ago... 
Both been friends since they were in elementary school, both were professional basketball athletes, real fight-then-make-up buddies, chasing girls, heart-breaks, starting their career in work force together. 

They were supposed to be best-man at each others' wedding, they were supposed to grow old, get fat, complain about nagging wives and how expensive it is to have kids in this economy. John was only 26 years old, God... are.you.kidding.me?

Nothing, and I mean nothing we know about how much time we have left. I just hope I'd be a dear when I have to face mine, and not fiercely mad if I have to lose the people I love.... again.

Be strong in God's grace, my little brother Isaac, most especially John's parents and family, his girlfriend and friends. You may not want to hear this but....God is good...

And Rest In Peace, young man.

ps: Philippians 1:21 (Bible verse we carved on Dad's tomb, inked to my brother's skin, and always... always been a great help for me in dealing with lost)

ps.ps: Gone too Soon

Isaac and John (in glasses)

Things I am afraid to tell my Mother

When my friends met my look-like-a-forty-something Mama, the first comment will be "Oh she's so pretty!". And, pretty she is. 
She has aged gracefully, you will see wrinkles and imperfections of a few gray hairs. But since she has this pair of wandering eyes, she does not seem like a grandma with two grandsons. And boy I wish I will have a figure like her when I am at her age.

She's more like a friend than a mother. That's about it. And both my mom and I have been through only a roller-coaster kind of life. Nothing less. She is "younger" than I am in many ways and is impulsive, and been to places and conditions we can not even imagine. 
But that story is for us to keep.0

So for me, there is no reason to hide stories from her. No need to pretend to be somebody that you are not when dealing with her. I do not always mind my language when we talk. We can talk about anything. She will just love you no matter what. Really!

Even so... there are things that I find hard to just casually mention to her when we talk.
ps: This is my time to be selfish so I can write anything... even if it sounds too hilarious.

Mama,
I believe in things that most people would cringe to, I allow myself to  be exposed to many understandings, dogmas and to this day, I still do not believe that a complete life comes in template order: dating-marriage-kids. I do not. It can be that way, but it can also be in different order. I may follow the path, I may not.

Dad and you have set a benchmark that is so high, I can only get teary when thinking about it... But funny enough, that's also what is stopping me. I might change. I may not. This is something that I do not know for sure, and I am fine with not knowing. 

But I want to tell you that I am not afraid to love again, I am not afraid to share life with someone that I know will take care of my heart. I just do not think he will be brave (read: crazy) enough to love me. I know people have been asking me to stop comparing dad with any man. I eventually will, I know that. 
Someday, I will be on the floor thanking God for having to make my heart finally giving up. 

Mama,
About grandchild. I know you have two beautiful grandsons now and they keep you busy. I secretly am thankful for that. Not only because I love those boys to death too but also... also because they stop you from asking when is mine going to come into the world. I have no answer to this Mama, I really do not. I lost one of your "supposed-to-be-grandchild" and the aching pain from not getting a chance to hold my very own baby is taking a remarkably slow time to heal... 
I always want to be a mama. Of a boy at first will be best. The girl can come after. Or whichever order. I know you know that.
But, what if I can never do that? Will this mean you will spend time less with me than the rest of my other siblings who can give you more little round belly for you to carry? Will this make me less perfect, and the saddest thing... less of a woman? 

I am moving forward, Mama. 
From all of our past and the lost times I once demanded for you to give back to me. I forgive myself, for causing such terrible miss-understandings whenever we had hardships that made you once (or twice) think that I love you not. 

Nothing that I would change about you and I. But one I thing I know for sure is that I am thankful for you.... and the good genes: (ahem, good metabolism) I have gotten from you.

I.Love.You.

Your first.

Another hard sea

Here we are again, my siblings and I, at one of the hardest ordeals the five if us have to face. No details to serve here but I am telling you... I was only an inch away to actually...giving up.
Luckily, giving up is never my thing, and echoing in my mind, is this quote below. My brother was here last week, and we both try to see this problem from the most logical perspective ever,  resulting in one realization that everything that us as family have been through, it does mold us to the people we are now; an old strong soul. 

Sweethearts, each families have different hardships and problems, but hear me out, if you are holding on to one and another, not only that the raging sea will make you a skill-full sailor, it will also shape you as a decent and thankful one, that will never brag about its ship's magnificent power (like what the captain of the Titanic did).

I am putting my foot down. My first step is being logical... the next are depending on many others, but the last one is... giving one of the biggest forgiveness ever.

Pinterest

At ease

Long weekend is here!

I have set a very detailed plan and that will include: wolfing at least 2 slices of carrot cake, going to the beach with my dogs, sinking my nose to this book and be Quiet:), visiting my bestie Adis for Lebaran.

On a more mellow note, I have been badly missing my sisters and brother, and nephews too. There's never a day go by without us checking in with each-other, but it will be nice if we can be at one place all together anytime soon.

And, as if they are giving me a nod to my 'need to be cured emptiness', look what I just received here this afternoon...

ps: I love you.... 

Above: Isaac, Detrianne and baby Nathanael, Benevolent, Maharani. Below: Brave Joseph and a 'really-really big cat'

What my Dad Thought of Me

I posted this picture before I moved in to the new hose. But, today, my dear cousin Ruth made a comment that broke me to tears.. In a good way :) Since it means so much to me, I am sharing them as below:

Ruth Sinaga Yes He is indeed...and I remember ur bapak..my tulang bontot...once told me that he always believed that u could stand on ur own...he always had a faith on u...Tress...
To which I responded with saying "Now I want to cry..." And she went on:
Ruth Sinaga Hehehe....I'm sorry Tress...really didn't mean to...Seeing u right now with what u've achieved in ur carreer..makes me remember what he said to me once about u n the good qualities u have in u to survive.

I always knew my Dad and I had this strong bond.... And maybe, we still do. But,  little did I know that he really  thought of me that way, and that he actually talked about me in such honor and pride to people around him and to our families. God's great grace is the only answer why my family and I have made it this far. It's no one's strength. And I still am the same old kid who's easily frightened and keep making mistakes.

But I cannot be thankful enough to hear this message today. I just cannot. Thank you sister Ruth, for reminding me about how beautiful life actually is and what a wonderful man that I grew up with.

Drummer Boy's Birthday

You can turn 6 and be a big boy and grow up to be an adult as you want.
You still are a baby in my heart:).
Happy birthday, sweet Joseph!

My Brother's Keeper

I showered my lab Marilyn with excessive kisses after I read this story below. How lucky you are Eli, and gawd how I wish I shall never part with any of my dogs!

notes: Photo and caption by PhotoFriday.

Brady Rusk, 12, hugs Eli at a retirement and adoption ceremony at Lackland Air Force Base, Texas. The bomb-sniffing Labrador retriever was assigned to Brady’s older brother, Marine Pfc. Colton Rusk, 20, who was killed in action in Afghanistan by Taliban sniper fire Dec. 2010. The Department of Defense granted the Rusk’s permission to adopt Eli and allow him to join their family. photo courtesy of: Tech. Sgt. Bennie J. Davis III, USAF