Cut Here

Here's a confession. 
I have made two play lists the last five years of my life and they are:

1. Songs I want to play on my wedding day

2. Songs I want people to play on my funeral

The first list is kind of basic and the second one is downright creepy?

I have been keeping that secret until earlier this month, a good friend and I talked about mental illness and how Mental Health Day allows to raise awareness of mental health issues around the world and mobilizing efforts in support of mental health.  Or simply, to make discussing it a normal thing to do.

"It's real." my friend told me. And I nodded.

It was quite a heavy conversation, and two of us agreed on a few things that shall not be written here. I dove into the conversation talking more about mortality, and how I, too, have visioned my own memorial day. It did not shock her when I said I have made my "Songs I want people to play on my funeral." (she's made her own!), so I went on telling her some of the songs I like. Maybe you want to have a look to.

So, some tunes on my wedding songs list are: 
Be my Baby (The Ronettes), Here comes the sun (The Beatles), God only Knows (The Beach Boys), Fool for love (Lord Huron),  If I fell (the Beatles), Wouldn't it be nice (The Beach Boys).

On a less happier day: Beautiful (India Arie), Iris (Goo goo Dolls), Just Breathe (Pearl Jam), Change the world (Eric Clapton), Love of my life (Queen), Cut Here (The Cure).

There, I said it. 

Well, almost all of it.

About losing a parent

Losing a parent is the kind of grief that has its own depth.

Here are my thoughts why.

Ahu do dalan I (I am the way)

I posted this song lyrics a few months ago. One of Dad's fave Batak gospel song that he used to play and sing. My dear cousin Elkana Lumbantoruan posted his encouraging comments, saying that he listens to the song everyday. 

Even in the midst of his battle over cancer, he managed to elevate my then nearly estranged faith.

He is in God's hands now. Miracles do happen. As us God's children keep on believing in His time and plan... then experiencing faith restoration.

Till we meet again, brother. I know you will sing out praises in the house of the Lord! Philippians 1:21.

ps: The 

song: "Ahu do dalan I" (I am the way- John 14:6) 

Gone too Soon

Exactly last month, my dearest brother and his friends stayed at my place. They were in the island to attend one massive DJ gig, and spent weekend roaming in and around Bali.
John Ray, one of his best friends, was in the group. I have known him for years... We are one of those families that are always close with each and everyone of each others friends.

That night at my house, Isaac and John with their girls brought beers and snacks to hang with me in the kitchen, played with my dogs and joked about how much we have grown... 

This morning, I received a shocking news that John passed away in his sleep. He was just... slipping... away. And gone.

I could not handle my brother's pain, he cried his lungs out when I called him. First time I heard him cry again since 10 years ago... 
Both been friends since they were in elementary school, both were professional basketball athletes, real fight-then-make-up buddies, chasing girls, heart-breaks, starting their career in work force together. 

They were supposed to be best-man at each others' wedding, they were supposed to grow old, get fat, complain about nagging wives and how expensive it is to have kids in this economy. John was only 26 years old, God... are.you.kidding.me?

Nothing, and I mean nothing we know about how much time we have left. I just hope I'd be a dear when I have to face mine, and not fiercely mad if I have to lose the people I love.... again.

Be strong in God's grace, my little brother Isaac, most especially John's parents and family, his girlfriend and friends. You may not want to hear this but....God is good...

And Rest In Peace, young man.

ps: Philippians 1:21 (Bible verse we carved on Dad's tomb, inked to my brother's skin, and always... always been a great help for me in dealing with lost)

ps.ps: Gone too Soon

Isaac and John (in glasses)

Just Breathe

One of the songs I know I want to be played in my funeral.

I will never get tired of your work, Mr. Vedder.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately

And no, you do not have to read this post.

But it's true. I do have been thinking a lot about death these days. Not in a creepy way tho... But more about how I want the memorial day to be.

I am a woman of many beliefs, one thing for sure... I know exactly where I am going when death calls. Being just a little bit of a control freak, I do want my memorial day to be something I know I will like. 

First, I do not like the idea of laying there alone in the coffin. It seems too lonely and it seems like there's nothing there to tell. So, you will not see any cold coffin. My loved ones will put my ashes in a beautiful bronze jar and they will spread them to the ocean and let some of the dust settles with soils and sands. That way, I can still be part of you, and the things I like about earth.

No veils and overbearing black dresses. Use your favorite colors unless it's black. Dress up! You know I like fashion. Another thing I like is good food, so the catering must be really good. There has to be cake, and wine, and meat. Red meat.

Pray. Not for me but for you,  so that you will find the strength to remember the good things about me and I wish that you will someday find it beneficial for you or you even want to pay if forward to someone else. 

Do not promise that you will never forget about me cause I know, someday, in the middle of a busy week, some seconds at some good times that... you will. And that's alright. It does not mean that you do not love me enough, it just means that you have a big enough of heart to move on and to fill it with new beautiful memories that may not have me in it. And that's okay too.

And last but not least... please play some seriously good music. One of the dearest in my life will give you a whole bunch of list but I tell you some of the 'must play': Bob Dylan's To Make You Feel my Love,Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, Pearl Jam's Just Breathe and a place that I am going... Beautiful by India Arie, and Jack Johnson, James Taylor, The Beach Boys, The Beatles.

So yea, I have been thinking about death lately.

ps: I love you.

Pastor Rick Warren's son, Matthew, commits suicide, church says

In 2005, I crossed path with this incredibly moving book written by a mega pastor Rick Warren; Purpose Driven Life. I have been one follower of his twitter account as well; reading his biblical quote which are always comforting but can also be like a sharp sword-edge to my heart.

This morning, I read a sad news about how Warren's family is now dealing with the most tragic loss anyone could ever encounter; better yet a family of a dedicated God's servant.

Rick and Kay's youngest son, Matthew, gave up on his life-time mental illness and took his life away.

Suicide.

 The pastor's poignant letter to his church started with this line....

"Over the past 33 years we've been together through every kind of crisis. Kay and I've been privileged to hold your hands as you faced a crisis or loss, stand with you at gravesides, and prayed for you when ill. Today, we need your prayer for us... continue reading"

I was telling Peter about this news when we had our breakfasts as my cheeks started to form rivers. I do not know the family personally, but what breaks me into pieces is this aching question "How would one soul will ever deal with their lost one's suicide? How on earth? How do you answer yourself at night when you miss them the most?".

And memories started to flow as I have a personal experience about this breakdown. It was someone very very close to me. This person never made to make the attempt a success but still, the scars left to the rest of family members remain immortal. Keeping us on our toes. Fill us to the rim with worries, and uncertainty. What if it happen again and wha if it will be a success?
Someday, I may have the courage to share more about it but my gut knows that this is not the time just yet...

Now, as I send my gratefulness that I still have that person in my life, I am praying for Rick Warren's family.

Choosing your reason to laugh

So you and I both have heard about this tragedy. Truth be  told: I was being reluctant to hear all the updates since bad and raging comments have gone viral.
Happened a few days ago in Jakarta, an under drugs driver and friends drove their car in a full speed, crashing 8  pedestrians over the sidewalk. Send them all to a sudden death. 8 lives. It was a bright sunny day. That day.
 

Facebook status updates, broadcast messages and twitter time line seems to erupt with sympathy and encouraging words... But, it also mounting up with anger, curses, and the worst thing of all... jokes. Both in words and far too creative pictures that are beyond mean and loathsome.

Sickening indeed.

My sense of humor is somewhat dry if not dark. But when it comes to other people's misery in real life... oh sweethearts, I zip my mouth. Zipped.
Other people's anguish is never my reason to laugh. 
It is not my kind of comedy.

As much as as it breaks my heart, as much as it disgusts me to know that the driver was actually driving -high on drugs- out from a drugs party (whatever they name that)...  I know that hateful swearing will not going to undo the accident. No families of the deceased will  ever be healed by it.

With all my modest knowledge, unlimited faith... I trust the law will handle this with all their legal force and in all fairness.
I'd rather be hopeful in my silence than destructive in my own words.
Pray so that hearts with lost ones will found strength to carry on. Somehow it helps me to feel thankful for life too.
If you cannot wish the villain a well gained experience for them to repent... stop right there. Not all issues are in line, awaiting our judgment. The world is heavy enough with bad karma and hatred. Let us not partake.

So excuse me if I have to be this blunt. Excuse me for declining that funny picture about the accident you sent earlier, or  for deleting the catchy "funny"phrase you managed to find. 
Excuse me for not responding to comments and jokes about this that you shared all across every channel.
Knowing what to say is a good thing. But understanding what not to say... is admirable. Is an absolute sign that your heart is as gigantic as your broaden mind.
There are still many other ways to laugh... 

Marigold: Symbol of pain and grieve