What is the scariest part about relationship?

For me, it has always been (and is) about when I feel a gentle kick in my gut, that I have started being vulnerable. My autopilot defence mechanism will tell me to: stop. "You should never accept help." "This too will end badly." 

This is the loudest one; "You are going to get hurt."

Of course, I have learned that vulnerability is a key ingredient in creating healthy, fulfilling relationship. I understand the whys, I even heard stories about how couples are getting solid foundation from being open about their fears and or worries. Because contrary to what the world believes, vulnerability, is actually a measure of strength and courage, not weakness.

But when it comes to actually being vulnerable in real life, I struggle my wobbly ways forward. How do I do that? 

Especially, how do one who have been through most things alone able to say "I need help.", "Will you take care of me?". Or simply saying "Can you pick me up at the airport, please?" 

With this pandemic lurking, messing with our every plans, collapsing the world, I am cornered to feeling depressed from time to time. There are significant albeit painful changes that my family must face, some are even exposed to the virus. Like normal humans, I cannot always roll with the punches. 

I am slowly learning to lean in, to accepting help and support. Into believing that God has more in store when it comes to love and life.

I hope, you are being patient with me. 

What do you miss the most about pre-pandemic life?

Someone asked me this and in a split second I answered: “Money.” I immediately felt guilty, realising my answer makes me sound like the most materially-minded person on earth. 

It gives an impression of me being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or someone that has made the “Thrifty before 40” list. I am not one of them. So I fine-tuned my answer: “I miss the pace of business that I used to deal with; how clients signed contracts and my income was constant.” 

 That was pretty much the end of the light conversation. But me being me, most conversations continue chattering in my head a long time after they have ended. Having an ideal business pace (how it was before the pandemic to be exact) or steady income is guaranteed to dib the biggest pie chart in this equation. We can read all the financial reports and outlooks that The Economist magazine publishes pivot on our strategies, but deep inside we know that worry and wonder are lurking still. Put that aside for now as we all know there is more to life than only money. 

Here are some of the things that I miss from life before this (again, ugh…) pandemic: 

 1. Not feeling like there is a weight on my shoulders. Literally and figuratively. I miss not having to pop painkillers as often as I do today because my migraine is throbbing from all the uncertainty 

2. I miss being able to travel, flying (despite my fear) to see family anytime I wanted to. I did not use that privilege as often when I had the chance to, and it’s saddening 

3. Seeing Bali busy. I miss entering a packed restaurant and to see if the wait staff are smiling (today, we can only guess it from their squinting eyes. Joining traditional ceremonies that are dotted with people in their Sunday best, and reading news about how hotels are fully booked. Missing that too! 

4. Going to bookstores and hanging out there for hours picking out new reads without having to apply hand sanitizers every five minutes, or every time after I touched a book. Shopping online works for so many but there is something about a bookstore experience that no online shopping can aid. Also, how can you buy a book without smelling them first? 

5. Arranging my marathon races! And there will be a post solely on this subject. Keep an eye out.

An INTJ through and through, I have to admit my social life may not make it to my list’s top five. Although I do understand how it can be a positive influence for those who gain their energy from frequently being with others. I want that to happen again too. 

 How about you?

(Illustration from The Quint)

But really, how are you?

Let me start by saying the obvious truth; this year sucks. But what's even more depressing is, we are not sure of the ordeal will expire as we hit January 1st 2020 in a couple of months

Sure, there are news on vaccines, studies taking places everywhere to test the effectiveness, tireless government all around the globe (mostly clueless) implementing measures to keep their country at bay... But really, how can we be certain?

Another brutal truth, I was planning to write an uplifting post here, and it is not looking well. I have no phrases in my mind that will help readers ease their anxious mind. To that, I apologise.

If I may, however, I want to share a few things that I've been doing randomly the past pandemic months. As it is a not one size fits all, you may want to do a bit of a beating around the bush here to see which one works best. For me, there are days when any small things I do can lift my mood in an instant (buying ice cream, re reading my favourite book). Other days are just too gloomy to handle and all I can bear to do is just curling up on my bed, sob a little, listening to The Smiths. 

Entering the last quarter of 2020, as my worry starting to pile up (financial, health of my family, the fact that I may only have several healthy eggs in my uterus, business-the lack thereof), I am also beginning to accept that I do not have to fix bad days and bad mood instantly. If the whole world is collapsing, then, maybe... just be human for a bit and sink for a brief moment... 

I am tired, terrified, and that...is okay. 

But when you have a little kick to do something to lift yourself up, maybe try these:

1. Listen to music that helps with anxiety. I was skeptical at first, but on the first go, it actually worked for me. A cup of hot tea in hand, this tunes, can actually remind our body to be at present even just for a short moment. 

2. Put on some lipstick. Even if you do not have a virtual meeting on the agenda. Instant mood lifter! 

3. Make plans to have a nice lunch. It does not have to be something expensive, it can be something as simple as your favourite fried rice, mac and cheese, or a giant bowl of salad that is soaked in heavy dressing. Something to look forward to, no matter how small, can give a kick up a good mood.

4. Clean your cluttered photo albums. As simple as that. 

5. Read a chapter, just one chapter... No need to press yourself to finish an optimistic number of books in a month, just try something in a smaller scale. It helps.

How about you? What is it the one particular thing you are feeling today? How do you deal with that? 

From Help Guide