About losing a parent

Losing a parent is the kind of grief that has its own depth.

Here are my thoughts why.

You Were There

Mellow mode, activated.

I used to watch this movie: Simon Birch with my Dad for like a gazillion times. Today, I dare not to watch it again, as... I am not so into forming rivers on my cheeks anymore. As in, I am too embarrassed to (But I know I would!). 

Ever since, I always thought of the soundtrack as one of our songs, just like this one; hoping that he will Remember Me this Way :).

If you have not seen it, please do so. And try to listen to the song and pay attention to the lyrics... If you know me well enough, you will understand why I am reaching out for Kleenex as I am typing this post down.

ps: "And it hurts, when I smile. Cause my heart still remembers when you were around. Bapak"

With All I Am

Into Your hand I commit again/ With All I am For You Lord/ You hold my world in the palm of Your hand/ And I'm Yours forever...

Ps: I miss you Dad.

What my Dad Thought of Me

I posted this picture before I moved in to the new hose. But, today, my dear cousin Ruth made a comment that broke me to tears.. In a good way :) Since it means so much to me, I am sharing them as below:

Ruth Sinaga Yes He is indeed...and I remember ur bapak..my tulang bontot...once told me that he always believed that u could stand on ur own...he always had a faith on u...Tress...
To which I responded with saying "Now I want to cry..." And she went on:
Ruth Sinaga Hehehe....I'm sorry Tress...really didn't mean to...Seeing u right now with what u've achieved in ur carreer..makes me remember what he said to me once about u n the good qualities u have in u to survive.

I always knew my Dad and I had this strong bond.... And maybe, we still do. But,  little did I know that he really  thought of me that way, and that he actually talked about me in such honor and pride to people around him and to our families. God's great grace is the only answer why my family and I have made it this far. It's no one's strength. And I still am the same old kid who's easily frightened and keep making mistakes.

But I cannot be thankful enough to hear this message today. I just cannot. Thank you sister Ruth, for reminding me about how beautiful life actually is and what a wonderful man that I grew up with.

My Handyman

Who's with me?

Pinterest

To my first Love

The thing is… I know this is not getting any better. The more I try to forget about you, the more vivid your image is captivating my mind. I miss you more every day and I know that sounds silly… You probably are sick with me posting about this, but… this is the only way I can feel better.

Never a second that I doubt that you are in a better place… But still. I cannot stop missing you and asking what would you think of me now? About the woman that I become…Are you proud of me?

In a few months, my other sister is going to deliver a baby… What would you name the little bundle of joy if you were still around?

I am so happy with my job, what would you suggest me to do to keep it up?

I just miss having you around. That’s all I can say.

Ps: This might crack you up, but EURO 2012 is the main reason why I am in such mellow mood of missing you.

Happy Father’s Day, Luther Hutasoit.

Because for me, Father’s Day is the day to celebrate every sons’ ‘first hero’ and every daughters’ ‘first love’. And you know what you are to me…

Pinterest

7*365

1 April 2012

It has been 7*365 days... :') I know you are not there in the deepest layer of the earth, I know you are nowhere underneath the tomb...

You are in a majestic home.

A home I am heading with only His glorious grace.

Till we meet again Bapak, even-though I cannot tell you when...

Love,

Your eldest (who often acted like your youngest)

Life to her years

Hi sweethearts... I just found this tumblr "Life to her years" and as predicted... make me think of my old man. Aching inside, reading all through the 50 guides, I cannot be more affirmed that my Dad was a great man, the best father anyone could ever have.

You may think I am exaggerating but any daughter can proudly do so.
 

If you are a man with daughter(s), please read this message. If you are a daughter, be thankful even if you think you only experience a thing or two out of this sweet maxims.

One thing that make me swell is this particular one : 29. If her mom enrolls her in swim lessons, make sure you get in the pool too. Don’t be intimidated if there are no other dads there. It’s their loss.

(My late Dad did this. And he could not even swim well)

Luther Hutasoit

I am wide awake at this hour just to realize that I miss you so much it hurts...

ps: I am going home soon so I will look for more pictures of you so that I do not have to use this one over and over again.

ps.ps: I miss you. Too. freaking. much

Father and Daughter

When I found out that a dad of two girls pinned this quote; I got all teary. I did grow up as my Dad's friend (God bless his soul). I was the first one who get to know his problems, his achievements (this inc. raise and his expenses), faith, dreams, and first "heartbreak" love story . He even talked to me about his office drama and gossips!
I was just as open. Boy problems (oh poor Dad), credits per semester, friends, career path, even fashion,  and... family scandals! Crazy? Yes. But somehow that is the memory that I can always latched on to whenever times get tough. And unfortunately,  a benchmark that I -with or without consciousness- set if I see another father and daughter/son relationship :)) *guilty.

One time, when my Dad was at his lowest point of his career and he was devastated, I- the ambitious daughter- sent his full resume as an application to this mining company in Canada (my dad was an engineer- and that is also a brownie point I see in a man  *aaaargh!)
He was shocked to receive the call for an interview and an offer letter in no time. Though he did not get the job in the end because of health problems, the story remains as a crazy surprise. He ended up getting all excited and get a great job in town.

I remember what he said to me: " You are one crazy daughter. I have no hesitation you are going to make it big in life, and will kick your future husband's ass if he get demotivated someday ... You are a crazy daughter and you act like my friend... I love you for that " :')

I miss you ( this November)

I miss you. I miss how things used to be when you were around. I miss you laugh. Your crooked eyes when you smile. I miss your heart. Oh that heart. I miss telling you all my stupid problems. I miss your voice when you talk to me. How you used to tell me that if you love someone, nothing can ever be unforgiven. And when I rolled my eyes... you just laugh.
I miss having dinner with you on our way home from work when Jakarta's traffic was so bad and we were both just too hungry.

I miss you asking me in the morning "Is this tie goes well with this shirt? ". And I will take a  quick glare from my breakfast bowl to say " Yea I think so... " And off, you go.
I miss how you trusted me so much. Be it in little or big things in life.

I miss making you that cup of tea. I miss our late night conversation. All of the football games we watched together. I miss making fun out of your adoration in Mandy Moore and Britney Spears. I miss sneaking out of the bedroom just to see if you are reading your Bible alone in the living room.
I  miss your heart and I know I already mention that.

I miss Christmas with you being so crazy about it. I miss the sound of that piano from your trembling hands. And don't get me started with your off-key voice when we sing our all time favorite song. Funny thing is... I miss that too.

And at this time around. November. I miss waking you up in the middle of the night, 5th November. Light the candles on your cake, sing you Happy Birthday and kiss you off to bed again.
This is the sixth November without you and the feeling does not get any better. You once told me that time will always heal the pain. Ha! How I would love to see your face when I tell you this someday; "No". It does not. I do not think any daughter in the world could ever bear losing a father like you. But I am fine down here... I guess... I just miss you a lot. A whole lot.

How I wish to be able to say Happy Birthday to you Dad. I do not know how you celebrate it in Heaven but I am pretty sure it rocks just as much as our midnight carols, eating sugar ritual. All together, seven of us.

This is just a little love note. From your children; Tressabel, Benevolent (she gave you a beautiful Grandson by the way; Joseph Kiyoshi), Detrianne ( who is getting married in weeks!), Maharani, Isaac and your lovely wife; Our Mom.

And oh ya, remember that Casper movie we saw together? I dedicated the soundtrack for you. Bet you still like it.

ps: Till we meet again... xoxo 

Surprise your dad at the office

Trust me, whatever I'm doing is not as important as you.

From this page

Homesick- Mercy Me

You are in a better place I heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times, I have rejoiced for you. But the reason why I am broken, the reason why I cry is how long must I wait to be with you? Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways.The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know. But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same. Cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes, and I see your face. If home's where the heart is, then I am out of place. Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I have never been more homesick than now...In Christ the are no goodbyes... In Christ, there is no end... So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have, to see you again. To see you again.

S#*! My Dad Says

S#*! My Dad Says ? The title has nothing to do with my Dad. But yes this book hypnotized me. What?... another post about book? Call me bookish! I am juggling 2 books at the same time because I cant decide which one to go first! They are both too interesting. This one is hilarious and real as it is edgy and somehow like a brilliant idea. It actually came out from this twitter account! Almost one million people follow Mr Halpern’s philosophical musings every day on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his sayings. What emerges is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father and son relationship from a major new comic voice. As Justin says at one point, his dad is ‘like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair’; and this is the sort of sh*t he says..like: " You worry too much. Eat some bacon...What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon." OR " The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out."AND " I don't give a shit what time you get home, just don't wake me up. That's your curfew: not waking me up."

Well, whether or not your Dad is quite the "character" , this book is a worth the treasure. 

The Halpern boys with their father in 1983

All images from amazon .

A Cute little Old Story of a Broken Heart

Most of the people I know in life understand that I had a really close relationship with my Dad. It has been years since he passed on to Heaven, and I don't think there will ever be a day that I can go through without thinking about him. Not in a sad memoirs but in love and honor. Our relationship was more like two friends from different generations -not trying to make it work but it did. We talked about everything. One thing that I know for sure I can treasure to be a parameter of knowing how close we were is that I happen to know his "broken hearted" story! 

Yes, a cute little story from back when he was in Junior high- he fell for this girl, wrote the girl a love letter and got a total rejection. We were sitting in our dinning room- I  remember vaguely- and he actually made this cute expression when pouring the story to me- his oldest daughter. He was so broken hearted ... The 13 years old self of my Dad actually cried because of this girl...:(( .

It was his first crush.
I remember saying that I am actually happy that the girl turned him down; because he then met my Mother (well years and years after), the love of his life. 

Well, I don't know if many of people can get to know some little facts about their parents. If you do, consider yourself blessed. If not, why not finding out now? Do you know how your parents met? Their favorite date? Who cried at their wedding?

This post is just to celebrate that today; I am reminded of my Dad with a fond and graceful heart.

Bapak, Luther Hutasoit, 1973

Papa can you hear me?

My dear cousin post this video of Charlotte Chruch on my profile. One amazing song by a truly talented woman. But since I have such adoration in words, I am here to post the lyric. It has touched the very inside of me. "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" is a 1983 song, performed by Barbra Streisand for the film Yentl. The song was composed by Michel Legrand, with lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman.

God 
Oh God 
May the light,
Illuminate the night, the way your spirit illuminates my soul
Papa, can you hear me? 
Papa, can you see me? 
Papa, can you find me in the night? 
Papa, are you near me? 
Papa, can you hear me? 
Papa, can you help me not be frightened? 
Looking at the skies, I seem to see a million eyes 
Which ones are yours? 
Where are you now that yesterday 
Has waved goodbye and closed its door? 
The night is so much darker, 
The wind is so much colder 
The world I see is so much bigger 
Now that I'm alone 
Papa, please forgive me 
Try to understand me 
Papa, don't you know I had no choice? 
Can you hear me praying, 
Anything I'm saying, 
Even though the night is filled with voices? 
I remember ev'rything you taught me 
Ev'ry book I've ever read 
Can all the words in all the books 
Help me to face what lies ahead? 
The trees are so much taller 
And I feel so much smaller 
The moon is twice as lonely 
And the stars are half as bright 
Papa, how I love you 
Papa, how I need you 
Papa, how I miss you 
Kissing me goodnight...