Hardest Declutter in My Life

 

For nearly 14 years, this cabinet has stored stocks of dog's essentials. From vitamins to deworming tablets, from eye drops to ear drops, and sometimes anti inflammatory. But the space was also dominated by medicines that hold different stories, with epilepsy being the highlight 💜

Phenobarbital, potassium bromide, curpurm drops, lavender oils, and the jab that marks a more painful season- kidney failure remedies. 

After her passing two months ago, I found the strength to make some room. Decluttering is something I usually enjoy. 

But not today.

Tears were streaming and smiles were forced. It feels like I am betraying and deleting her from my life and at the same time confirming that my time as her Ibu has ended. I know it has but this time it's really happening?

"Marilyn is now a star." were my words when I texted my best friend about Marilyn's passing that day. 

A star doesn't need all these. Especially a star like her. I know she'll shine so bright I can see her and hug her anytime I want. 

The cabinet has some space now, after 13+ years, I know soon it will be filled again with other essentials. 

But the void in my heart longs for her name alone.  You, Marilyn, my voice of reason, my star ✨ 

The Grief We Choose to Endure

It's been eight months since my first rescue dog, Mahoni, passed away.

This morning, I woke up at the break of dawn longing for her: the sound of her paws, her big brown eyes, her gorgeous brown coat, and her burying her beautiful face under my arms. I miss all those things.  

I thought I was okay and had come to terms with the end of our 11-year relationship. But that morning, I realized something new; being okay has nothing to do with grief. 

To spare you the intricate details, Mahoni was my rock during my formative years in Bali. I was going through a rough time and made a lot of wrong decisions in trying to fill the void. I was also entangled in toxic relationships.

Mahoni was the one I could be completely honest with. Sure, she had her infamous side eye and reactive behaviors towards certain people, but her unwavering love always outweighed my pain. We shared highs and lows with tears and laughter, and even though I've managed to rebuild my life and have been blessed with wonderful friends, family, and more dogs to love, Mahoni's place is irreplaceable. 

I'm okay living my life without her by my side, but I'm better when I can revisit our stories every now and then.

This is the grief I've chosen to endure, and I'll be eternally grateful for it.

Sticky Notes from Dogs

If your dogs could leave you sticky notes, what would it say? 

This illustration by Grace Farris got me beaming! I can imagine it would be Marilyn who wrote: "A new day! How great is that." 

But instead of saying this every morning, Marilyn would feel this way every time she came back from a seizure. It is bittersweet to see her condition these days, but we are holding on to the good ones. 

If you are reading this, I hope you are being gentle to yourself and the people around you. 

The world needs more of that, and it can come from us. 

by Grace Farris

Goodnight, Good boi- Mama

 

With our hearts still bleeding for our oldest one Mahoni, we bid an unexpected farewell to the Aslan of Rumah Kecil, Roy.

His health went downhill rapidly, and with three test results, we learned that he had stage IV Chronic Kidney Disease.

I spent days bawling thinking about how we could miss his symptoms and will probably never find comfort even tho we were told, some canines only show them at a much later stage.

If you’ve met him, you'll remember his penjor-like tail and stunning features. Oh, his smoldering eyes. We think he was Eurasian.

He spent his first two years on the street, in abusive homes, and dog meat trade. God's grace led him to our home in 2018.

I remember telling him: “I know it is difficult for you to trust this, but this is your last home. We will never move without you or abandon you on the street.”

Roy departed at home, on his bed in our room, just ten minutes after his loving Dad arrived.

He got what he was promised. A family.

Yovan and I are embracing the kind of grief that we never could have imagined.

This Christmas, we will seek a deeper meaning and connection with God, thanking Him for blessing us with the most unconditional love.

Lastly (but you know I’ll keep saying this), give stray dogs a chance. You will witness how amazing God is.

Good night, "good boi mama.", "roy-co papa."

You surely loved to make dramatic scenes.

Roy aka Aslan of Rumah Kecil Hutasoit Rondonuwu

- 8 years of purposeful life- 💔🌈♥️🖤🩵 #adoptionrocks

Forever in my heart

Here's an unpopular opinion about dogs: Not all puppies are cute. Mahoni certainly was not.

From the moment I found her on the street by the gutter, she had that fury in her eyes like she had seen something eerie or sad.

She was not playful and growled with her tiny voice like she owned her space.

But I've met my match. I was not in a good place that year. That very first night, she slept on my belly like she belonged. We said to each other "Finally, you're here"

Her name was "Si Kaus Kaki" or Socky at first. I was applying for a mortgage on Mahoni Street, and I promised to bestow her with the street name if I got the house. We all know the end to that promise.

Over the years, she's been protecting our home from snakes, monitor lizards, monkeys, and even red-flagged homo sapiens (yep, toxic relationships). It was only my sister Maharani that Mahoni softened up to pretty quickly.

She emphasized she was the boss whenever we had a new rescue dog by not allowing them to come to me first, always eating at a higher spot (chair or table), and standing against my back whenever I did some house chores. She did not shy away from playing favorites as she only grooms her closest and oldest sister, Marilyn.

Whenever Marilyn had an episode (seizure), Mahoni would sit next to us, to steer our other dogs from coming closer.

When Mahoni met Yovan, she let her guard down in the most vulnerable way. There is not enough space here on IG to share how much that means to me, but I can tell you that it was so relieving for me.

When her diagnosis came, the vet said a dog like Mahoni could be so strong-willed in hiding her frailness. She kept trying to look strong whenever I was in the exam room. We tried everything to heal her, but God says her trip was done.

I am faithful to be ready for this next chapter that does not have her. 11 years may seem long, but not when it's your dog.

With a void that resonates with frail tunes, I know my heart will never be the same. But I would not have it any other way.

This grief is worth enduring.

Thank you for 11 years of blessings and a lifetime of missing you, Kakak Mahoni. You've made a Mama out of me. 🖤♥️💔🌈

#adoptionrocks

An Ode to Parents of Dogs

Your truly and almost 11 y.o Mahoni, my first rescue in Bali

There is a special bond that unites us mothers and fathers of dogs. In a world that does not get us, we share stories about chewed sofas and pulled harnesses on walkies.

Even when we have not met, we know each other's dogs' quirks and allergies, or who's a weather frog and who's a good girl and the alpha sire.

Do you have to be home before it gets dark because Butch has anxiety? We get that.
Here, I share you song lists to calm your dogs during a thunderstorm.

You mute yourself about ten times during an hour online meeting because how would Lilly know how to wait for dinner? We've been there.
We have rollers that we grab right before we leave the house.
None of us have doorbells at home. Because boy wasn't Jojo a loud mutt!

Your vet bills are mounting, but won't you provide the best care for those glassy eyes who've witnessed you cry to sleep?
Then there are sleepless nights when you lie next to their old face. You convince yourself you never hear the clock ticking that loud.
In tow, your fear.

Then, that void. A void only we can understand.
A quiet yet magnitude pain when you look for their shadow and it's just no longer there.

"It's just a dog." is a phrase we will never comprehend, and we don't intend to.
There is no need to explain this bond to the world.

In our dogs' world, there is a type of love that is just enough for them, even when we think we should have given them more.
There is a time frame that's sufficient for them, even when we always want more.
One more day.
One more chewed sofa. One more ruined meeting. One more walk.

One more sleep that gets us to wake up to our first day together. So we can do it all over again.
Because who would bear the hassle of installing a doorbell?

(Dedicated to those who get it. We are thankful for your friendship 💜) #dogsarefamily

A Major Deal

Amidst a sea of Bernie Sanders’ memes, Champ and Major also made global headlines when they ended a first-time, four-year hiatus with no dogs joining the incumbent President at the White House.

The spotlight shone brightly on Major, as he made a historical paw print as the first ever shelter dog to make it to the famous 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue address. 
I am one of those people who celebrated this, and as much as I want to write an essay on its importance, this short post will do for now. 

True, Major may be the luckiest one who made the journey from a shelter to being fostered and then moving to the fanciest of all home addresses. 
I am here to say that in the eyes of all rescued and adopted dogs, your house is a “White House” too. 

They will destroy your sofa, chew your furniture, eat your socks, hide your shoes (the left ones only, God knows why), and keep you awake with their antics. Sure, you have no security guard or a large enough lawn, and they probably take up all the space in your living room alone. But to them, just opening your house is a life altering moment they deserve. A family, a home, and maybe an IG account. 

Please. Seriously consider rescue or adoption, over buying. Changing one dog's life promotes better environment that is free of strays, diseases, muling, and of course abuse.

Also, the narrative will be magical from the dogs’ world of news headlines. It will be better, if not…the best. 

Now, how's this sound?

“Brownie the Mutt is now living with a family of five and adjusting well to excessive kisses from the toddler.” THE DOGS GAZETTE 

Photo taken from People

A Rescue Story

She was scared. She act brave and all but she was scared.
Her eyes met mine and all I see is fear and a little bit of madness. I am familiar with that because I am too… filled with madness.
She told me that everything is going to be alright. That from now on, none of us will ever have to face the world alone.
I told her that I think this is why our path crossed. Here on the side of a busy street.

I do not trust other people that easy. She whispered. Well look where I am, I replied.
But deep inside, when my gut twitch and my head feels her stomping heart beat
I know… we can give this a fighting chance.To trust again.

To be less mad about the world, to heal our wounds.

 
She throw away the plastic bag that was used to wrap my tiny body before I was thrown to the gutter
I rest my shivering body on her chest. I let her hug me tight and take me home

We are in this together. I told her as she laugh-cry.
And I will never forget the day I rescued a human being... 

Sincerely,

Mahoni, a #mutt.#rescueddogs #mahonithemutt

Max The Hero Dog

Finally! A movie that I am excited to see and tear-jerk this year! This canine adventure one is from the director of Remember The Titans (all-time fave) and a producer of Marley and Me (family's fave).

Max the Hero Dog

" "Max" played by five Belgian Malinois, but Carlos played in almost 80% of the movie. Four other Belgian Malinois dogs had their facial features carefully dyed to resemble and assist, each one with his own specialty. Jagger served as the main understudy. Dude specialized in jumping, Pilot in knocking people down and play-fighting. Pax was used for running shots and "happens to be good at showing his teeth," says Mathlide de Cagny of Birds & Animals Unlimited, who trained the dogs with O.J. Knighten.

Standing strong with epilepsy

You read that right.

But it's not me. It is my baby girl, my cheeky-smart-goofy black Labrador Marilyn a.k.a Midnight Blonde.

She was diagnosed with Canine Epilepsy before she turned two. Her (probably) first seizure was before my very eyes. I was shocked in an assumption that she got food poisoning. Turned out, it was (is) Epilepsy.

And our life's been a tad of a roller coaster ever since.

Here's a simple explanation about it: 

Epilepsy is a brain disorder that causes the dog to have sudden, uncontrolled, recurring physical attacks, with or without loss of consciousness. This may sometimes occur for unknown reasons (idiopathic) or due to genetic abnormalities. 

And Marilyn has it. She has done several tests which ruled out other suspects and is proven as healthy and young enough to be on Phenobarbital. The vet has provided me with the right kind of diet and exercise plan. The tests were not cheap, and neither does her medicine and special diet, but she is family, so I do not mind.

What's a bit disturbing is that it will not cure it. It will just help her to distance the episodes. Any drastic changes in routine, or major swings of my emotions may trigger her gran mal. She cannot be too tired, too excited, or too stressed.
And since we have a strong bond ... I always always know when she's going to have her seizure.

However, even though I have handled her for (what seems to bee too often and too long) episodes, my heart is always floored. I am much calmer now, and learning a lot from her brave heart.
At this stage, her seizures might last to 7 minutes, which equals to eternity. Ranging from fit and spasm to total body unconsciousness to the point that she is losing control of her bladder. I lost my calm when she peed herself during one horrific episode. "It's okay baby... I am here... we're okay..." are my words of encouragement as I am trying hard not to form rivers down my cheeks. I am never sure if I say it to calm her of myself. Well, the latter, obvi.
But as soon as she's relaxed, she will immediately kiss me as if saying "I am back, Mama."
Mahoni, her best friend will usually sit next to me the whole time. Giving me support more that anyone can understand.

I am now in search of other types of medicine. She is responding well to Phenobarbital but in the longer run, it will eat her kidney alive. If anyone out there can give more information, please let me know.
It took me months to share this story of mine and now I am brave enough and is actually asking for advice and moral support. 

But the most important thing that I want to convey is, even with epilepsy, she still is, my cheeky-smart-goofy baby girl.
She has epilepsy, but it does not have her. 

ps: Read this What you need to know about Canine Epilepsy

Update as per June 2017
Her seizure now last from 12 minutes to 2hr long and she would actually pooped if it was that strong.
The worst was in February,  where in less than one week she had a 1,5 hr and 2 hr long attack which causing her a high fever for 7 days long.

Update as per June 2018
Her recent test shows her liver is functioning perfectly despite her multiplied Phenobarbital dosage. But we had two cluster episodes this year that force us to rushed her to the pet hospital so she can get sedative shots. Both cluster episodes lasted nearly three hours long. High fever keeps following after cluster episodes with the highest temperature being 41degrees.


We are alternating acupuncture for her too.

I love you too

Three's a charm: Things I learned from my dogs

And am being dead serious.

Soon enough, my instagram account will be assumed as my dogs's account (Mahoni and Marilyn) as there are more pictures of them in there than mine. I personally think that they are the most interesting things that I have in my life so far and they simply are gorgeous in #selfies without having to pout. And, #nofilter needed.

And I understand fully why I am doing so. Take a closer look to why you are doing what you are doing, you may learn a thing or two. I am now realizing three main things I learned from my dogs.

(I actually am learning hundreds but let us stick with three for now)

1. They are smarter than most people I know. We know exactly what relationship with certain kind of people will bring. We know what dynamic is going to work and what is not. You know he is not the one. You know she's going to wear you down. But, trying our luck to be proven wrong, or right, we keep pushing it. You are fully aware that it's a toxic relationship, but you keep coming back for more. Because, you know, "Maybe this person will change." Or if you are lucky, maybe this is just a phase. If you are downright delusional, you will think "Maybe, my body will develop some magical immune for his or her behavior."  The worse: "I am here to change him." Who's been there? (*raise hand*confession). Mahoni (a mutt), is a smart paws. Her hunting drive tells her that snakes are dangerous. So, to date, she killed three for me. We found them falling from the trees on an empty land behind our garden. But, once Mahoni learned that chasing and biting big frogs will end up making her vomit, never once she tried to hunt them down again. "What's in it for me?" she thinks. Geckos on the other hand are fun to chase (extra benefit: strong legs, cardio) and will give no side effects. So.... 
2. Uncompromising level of discipline. Marilyn (Labrador) is obsessed with, ehm...well... everything. But most especially, food. However, no matter how hungry (she thinks) she is, after you put her filled with dog food bowl on the floor, she will sit nicely. Just sits there... until you asked her to "Shake-hand" or "High-Five" and you say "Okay!". Only then, she will finish her meal in seconds. I trained this myself. So, I was surprised to know that she behaves the same way when my sister feeds her. Or my mom, or my brother. Anyone. Raised by teachers (grandparents) discipline has always been my main course. But there were times when I was still in college, I would not come early to a class if I think "Ah, this credit is easy for me to pass.". I will only be there 15 minutes earlier if the class or the lecturer was a tough one. Even when I know my grandparents golden rule was "Always be ready in your class 15 minutes earlier before everyone else.". I took it personally, I compromised. Marilyn does not. Even if you put steak on top of her bowl to lure her already drooling saliva. 
3. Their unconditional love. If I need to explain to you about dog's unconditional love, you may want to come over to our house. 

Sleeping. Done teaching me a thing or two. 

Dirgahayu ke 69, Republik Indonesia

Done helping Mama erecting the flag.
Woofy yours,

Marilyn.

Abbey and Meredith

I am sure that some of you have read this heartbreaking story before. I did a few years ago and just stumbled upon the same article again this afternoon… realizing that Abbey was a female black Labrador just like Marilyn! The story is stated to be true and not hoax, it is the picture below that has not got any disclaimer yet... But imagine my heart if that's the truth!

So without further ado… Here’s me re posing the story. Grab your Kleenex cause I am out of them :')

Ps: I always wish that some mean people would trade life span with dogs. Dogs should live longer. 

Source: True.

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.  She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her.  I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.

A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.  I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, ‘To Meredith’ in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, ‘When a Pet Dies.’

Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:


Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn’t sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog.

Since we don’t need our bodies in heaven, I don’t have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I’m easy to find, I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God…

Life as Mahony knows it

I need to protect my humans. For they have saved me from living alone on the street.
Not every people are nice.
I say that again... Not every people are nice.
Sleeping early is not an option, I have to stay up late, or at least until I am rest-assured that my humans are all safe and sound in their bed.
You know... because not every people are nice.

I love mornings. I love doggy dancing with Mama and I love our weekends because that means my friends and I are going to devour a bowl of fresh milk...and my humans are home much much longer. Oh, and a day without a nap is miserable.

I can understand why humans can be worry, or sad or tired. They have work, they have bigger responsibilities and chores and they see many other humans and they are not always nice, you know... So, that's why.
By the way, my silly best friend Marilyn would bark to differ. She thinks everyone is nice. Blah!

Being a dog is fascinating. But we do have our worries and anxiety, take example the newbie in the house, Axl. I have told him many times that our humans are the best but I think he still worries that he's going to be sent to another home. As much as I like having Mama's attention all to myself, I know Axl is also crazily loved. I just know. I trust my humans.
Us dogs somehow find it difficult to hold on to anger and grudge and revenge. Once your kindness is sniffed, we just like you. Am good at  this. Sniffing kindness and sniffing a wacko at the same time. That's why I have to make sure only good people are hanging out with my humans.

Everyday is a responsibility. To guard, to watch over and making sure everything is on its place, and nothing gets dirty. Especially my paws. I love watching Marilyn and Axl making a fool out of themselves chasing tennis ball. I'd sit still next to Mama.

My humans soft voice and their belly rubs are daily treats. And I know how hard it can be out there for my other friends who are living on the street....
I think of them sometime. I hope they will find a home too. For them to guard. And mama and papa, for them lo love. And ask for a doggy dance and fresh milk and love.
Not many people can give that.... Because, you know, not all people are nice.
But I hope you will find them.

Life as Marilyn Knows It

Everyday is a blessing, and waking up wagging your tail is the only way to greet morning as it breaks. Oh, with a hundreds of kisses on 'my human's' sleepy face too.

A walk on the beach is too hard. I say run. 'My human' sometimes forget to bring our ball but I can always find another one on the beach, laying unattended. I am sure no one would mind. I mean, people are kind and sweet and they have a lot of things to be thankful of so losing a ball on the beach would not bother them.

Thunder storm is unpredictable and can be very scary. But as long as I have a roof on top of my head, I will be alright. Especially if I can still see a glimpse of 'my human's' shadow in another room. I know everything is going to be fine.

Denta stix? Nom...nom...nom

I cannot decide which one I like the best; sunshine or rain? I do not get why mankind can open their blinds to square back how a day is going to be by just looking at the sky. You can soak in the warmth of sunshine... and playing under the rain is just as fun!

Anyone welcome to our house is welcome to my heart. This valids to Axl too, another dog 'my human' brought home a month ago. I like him. Almost as much as I like tennis balls, but not as much as I like denta stix. My friend Mahony has a different idea but that's fine. We are resulting a good dynamic, she and I.

I do not get what can happen in human's life... They can be very angry waking up and going to work, they can cry when it comes to their friends or relatives and even families.
Sometimes, they came home with a sour face and they look very weary. My over the top greeting seems to always work its magic to cheer them up. Once they caress me, I think my happy energy got transferred to them too. But still, I do not understand what can cause their unhappiness. I mean, I know thunder storms can be very scary but humans are bigger than me... So, it cannot be thunderstorms... It must be something else.

Every meal is a bliss. And I will finish them to the very last crumbs. I am thankful for everything that is given to be by 'my human'. 

Whenever 'my human' is away, I just spend time thinking of them and waiting earnestly so see them coming home and end their day with me snuggling in their arms. I would like to let them know that tomorrow is another happy day.

Oh, did I say that Life is a blessing?

One fine day at the beach.

Do not leave!

This might be the longest pause I have ever had with blogging. My apology... But I cannot promise you anything other than short postings to keep you updated so you will not ditch me!

I am sharing you the sweetest picture ever.... Which I can totally relate too. People at work might want to shut my mouth with a duct-tape because I keep talking about my dogs, but what can I say... their love are just so infectious and I could not help but feeling happier whenever I am around them. 

Have a relaxing weekend sweethearts, God knows I need one.

Pinterest

The Person Your Dog Thinks You Are

Tressabel is full of love, is faithful and loyal and will never break a promise. She is kind and would never hurt a fly and always love to share ice-cream and cookies and her left-over dinner. 

Tressabel has the nicest smell in the world, reason why no matter in what vehicle; cars, taxi, bike, or her friend's car she is coming home with, we will always be there by the gate to greet her. We can smell her from a far. Tressabel sings to us and she is always happy. She also laughs a lot.

She might be poor,... she may also be rich, but we cannot really tell because she does not seem to care about it. Just like how we don't care about it. 

She strokes with such gentleness because she's actually a very sensitive person, even though she sometimes try to be the bad-cop; a skill she always fail to try!
Tressabel does not judge, she appreciates nature and flowers and she gets why we love to chase butterflies.
She's also a mama bear!

Tressabel is patient, caring but strong, playful but mindful, honest, genuine and will do anything...anything not to let the people or the pets she cares about get hurt and cry.

She is also good with kids... 

Well, that, we are not too fond of.

Sincerely,

Lennon, Mahony, Marilyn

(If only I am half of the person my dogs think I am, I deserve a treat!)

Piccsy