Hardest Declutter in My Life

 

For nearly 14 years, this cabinet has stored stocks of dog's essentials. From vitamins to deworming tablets, from eye drops to ear drops, and sometimes anti inflammatory. But the space was also dominated by medicines that hold different stories, with epilepsy being the highlight 💜

Phenobarbital, potassium bromide, curpurm drops, lavender oils, and the jab that marks a more painful season- kidney failure remedies. 

After her passing two months ago, I found the strength to make some room. Decluttering is something I usually enjoy. 

But not today.

Tears were streaming and smiles were forced. It feels like I am betraying and deleting her from my life and at the same time confirming that my time as her Ibu has ended. I know it has but this time it's really happening?

"Marilyn is now a star." were my words when I texted my best friend about Marilyn's passing that day. 

A star doesn't need all these. Especially a star like her. I know she'll shine so bright I can see her and hug her anytime I want. 

The cabinet has some space now, after 13+ years, I know soon it will be filled again with other essentials. 

But the void in my heart longs for her name alone.  You, Marilyn, my voice of reason, my star ✨ 

Goodnight, Marilyn

 

Marilyn Hutasoit Rondonuwu 04 Oct 2012- 13 Feb 2026

With our shattered hearts, souls in agony, we kneel and lift our hands in prayer.

Thank you, Jesus, for a wonderful 13 years of grace.

You have taught us about love and servantship through this bundle of joy we call Marilyn.

In her whimsical personality, we see Your gentleness.

In her strength as she rolled with the punches of epilepsy, we were exposed to Your majestic strength.

There was Your mercy in her everyday joyfulness,

and foremost, we have witnessed Your faithfulness in her abiding loyalty.

Today, we seek solace from You alone, as our time with her has reached its glorious final moment. She won the battle, and our hearts are captured in Your victorious purpose.

Please fill us with the affirmation that this was indeed part of your plan in our marriage and for us as individuals.

Cover us in peace that transcends all understandings. 

Amen

And to our glassy-eyed baby, our bright yet gentle sunshine, our epilepsy warrior Marilyn, aka Elina…

Bug, for 13 years, this home was never without you.

How am I supposed to wake up tomorrow knowing you will not be here?

How would you know that I love you still and always if you’re not lying next to me anymore?

How do I stop my mind from playing our favourite memories over and over again?

We’ve been each other’s shadows through the highs and lows,

how can I do it any other way?

You gave us so much. So I can only hope you’ll understand that I am going to take this one minute at a time. Not one day, but one deep breath at a time.

This void has your name in it, and we want to keep it that way.

This grief, lathered with gratitude for our memories, is worth enduring.

And with my bleeding heart, I’ll embrace a new chapter; to remember you longer than I have known you.

Rest well, little bug.

We are never really apart, because you are forever in my heart.

Love,

Ibu and Bapak

RIP- Marilyn Hutasoit-Rondonuwu (04 October 2012-13 February 2026)

Click here if you want to see her our tribute video Marilyn the Epilepsy Warrior

Minutes before she turned into a star

With Bugsy

Our final stretch to eternity 

On Mothering and Being Mothered

 

The other night, I was feeling hot and bothered and just battling my way to sleep (hot flashes?). Feeling even more depressed from doom-scrolling, I decided to sleep on the floor with the air-con blasting over me.

Marilyn's spot was on the other side of the room, but despite being deaf, she noticed my hassle and inched her frail body to sleep next to me.

Her sweet powdery face, her gentle breath. A warrior who's been fighting epilepsy yet still decided to be with us with all her strength and grace, 

I teared up a bit, telling her thank you. She knew I needed that. But maybe after 13 years, you can't help but just...know? 

Yovan thought something was wrong but when he spotted us like this, he knew the assignment and took this picture. 

It felt like motherhood. I said to him in the morning. A brief moment, simple, yet brims over my heart, heals my deflated spirits. But at the same time, I was also tasting a hint of being mothered by her. 

The world may scream no. It's not motherhood. Not even close.

But my heart, with my armour lowered, whispers yes ❤️

And that, is enough for me.

Canine Epilepsy Journey

Against all odds, we got to celebrate Marilyn's 8th birthday last October. It was simple, sweet, filled with cuddles and treats. We even got wishes from all across the world. Some of you might have been following her story for years, and even connect with me in some ways (thank you, all of you my IG friends with an epileptic baby in tow). 

Here's a medical update: 

When she turned six, our vet has laid out all the truth and some hard to grasp reality. I have come to accept it. Her regular Phenobarbital 30/60mg will no longer distance the seizure as effectively as it used to, nor will those electro acupuncture. To avoid a lurking kidney failure, we tried to alternate her medicine with herbal drops- Cuprum 30 (copper), and she seemed to respond quite well until two months ago... Today, we'd be lucky if she has no seizure for a day.

Everyday, I am feeling like walking on an eggshell because a slight change of emotion can now effect her harshly. 

Soppy story aside, she still is the same goofy girl that I love, and I have told her (with tears streaming down my cheeks), that I will not force her to stay strong for me... if that day comes, she can bring some parts of my shattered heart with her. I promise to be a little bit braver than I am today.

Last week, I wrote a short note for all of you parents out there dotting a kid with a special need, something that I hope can ease your pain a little bit:

To parents and pawrents out there, with a special kid in tow

Who sometimes feel the need to hide their sorrow and putting on a game face on when their heart is on the floor

During one of the hardest nights, when you are cradling your baby through the most difficult hours...

Try to look into their eyes

Trust me

They think... you, are magic

Standing strong with epilepsy

You read that right.

But it's not me. It is my baby girl, my cheeky-smart-goofy black Labrador Marilyn a.k.a Midnight Blonde.

She was diagnosed with Canine Epilepsy before she turned two. Her (probably) first seizure was before my very eyes. I was shocked in an assumption that she got food poisoning. Turned out, it was (is) Epilepsy.

And our life's been a tad of a roller coaster ever since.

Here's a simple explanation about it: 

Epilepsy is a brain disorder that causes the dog to have sudden, uncontrolled, recurring physical attacks, with or without loss of consciousness. This may sometimes occur for unknown reasons (idiopathic) or due to genetic abnormalities. 

And Marilyn has it. She has done several tests which ruled out other suspects and is proven as healthy and young enough to be on Phenobarbital. The vet has provided me with the right kind of diet and exercise plan. The tests were not cheap, and neither does her medicine and special diet, but she is family, so I do not mind.

What's a bit disturbing is that it will not cure it. It will just help her to distance the episodes. Any drastic changes in routine, or major swings of my emotions may trigger her gran mal. She cannot be too tired, too excited, or too stressed.
And since we have a strong bond ... I always always know when she's going to have her seizure.

However, even though I have handled her for (what seems to bee too often and too long) episodes, my heart is always floored. I am much calmer now, and learning a lot from her brave heart.
At this stage, her seizures might last to 7 minutes, which equals to eternity. Ranging from fit and spasm to total body unconsciousness to the point that she is losing control of her bladder. I lost my calm when she peed herself during one horrific episode. "It's okay baby... I am here... we're okay..." are my words of encouragement as I am trying hard not to form rivers down my cheeks. I am never sure if I say it to calm her of myself. Well, the latter, obvi.
But as soon as she's relaxed, she will immediately kiss me as if saying "I am back, Mama."
Mahoni, her best friend will usually sit next to me the whole time. Giving me support more that anyone can understand.

I am now in search of other types of medicine. She is responding well to Phenobarbital but in the longer run, it will eat her kidney alive. If anyone out there can give more information, please let me know.
It took me months to share this story of mine and now I am brave enough and is actually asking for advice and moral support. 

But the most important thing that I want to convey is, even with epilepsy, she still is, my cheeky-smart-goofy baby girl.
She has epilepsy, but it does not have her. 

ps: Read this What you need to know about Canine Epilepsy

Update as per June 2017
Her seizure now last from 12 minutes to 2hr long and she would actually pooped if it was that strong.
The worst was in February,  where in less than one week she had a 1,5 hr and 2 hr long attack which causing her a high fever for 7 days long.

Update as per June 2018
Her recent test shows her liver is functioning perfectly despite her multiplied Phenobarbital dosage. But we had two cluster episodes this year that force us to rushed her to the pet hospital so she can get sedative shots. Both cluster episodes lasted nearly three hours long. High fever keeps following after cluster episodes with the highest temperature being 41degrees.


We are alternating acupuncture for her too.

I love you too