Mother in Law Love

 

My late mom in law often started our video call convo with a gleeful "Hello. Oh wow you look so beautiful (fresh, cute, chic)!"

No matter what I was wearing, with make up, or just woke up.

Then I started to realise something. It's not really about my look. It's her and her words.

I always knew she would compliment me so I always always smiled even before the line was connected. Always. 

She will forever be missed. 

I really do

For years, I never prayed about this particular part of my life. Life partner, and... if we want to be more specific here, a life partner in a God centered relationship.

No one can really ask me why, as I will shrug it off lightly as I move forward. And I was not being dishonest. I was always thinking of that matter lightly. 

However, I continue to pray that God will cultivate me. My heart, mind, habits. Following the path He has prepared for me. Not easy. But I keep going. 

With so many changes especially the past two years, I've never been this certain of my existence. Pandemic or not, broke or wealthy, I am where I am intended to be, I am who I am sculptured to be.

I turned forty last January. On that very day, I finally talked to Him about it. How I have this sweet yet aching longing about fulfilling another purpose. A purpose I am somehow certain of, is in the store for me. "If you think I will do better in fulfilling my purpose by uniting with someone (of Your choice), thy will be done."

Now, if you have been reading my posts since the beginning, you might have a slight idea of who I am. How I can be particular (if not peculiar) with what I want. Books, music, food, clothes. Men? Yes, that too. So I cannot say I am not frightened because truth is... I am. 

That rugged-nerdy-handsome look but knows how to dress properly? Sure that is still on the list. And I believe in my list! Literate? Yes, THAT is non negotiable. We need to be intellectually intertwined, not just about trends, books, social issues, and or politics. It is also about the Holy Bible, about God's words, about who He is and what He wants from that person as a man, individually, and as a man if he were to be my lifetime partner. Someone I naturally respect and love at the same time because I just see it in him. 

What kind of a father will he be? I have my views on that too. Someone who is not afraid of showing tough love when needed but so gentle he would dress up in pink tutus if our daughter (or son) wants to have him dress as a princess who came to a tea party. 

A dad who would protect but gentle, provide but also allowing me to contribute. A lover, but also, a long time friend...

Give thanks and saying hello to 2015

I would usually post a typical New Year's resolution and wish list... This time, I just want to take a moment to thank You...

For my health, my career and my family. None of them will be my treasure if it was not for your grace. And it is sufficient for me.

For anything of everything that I bring home, and a little something extra that I can share, so that people will see how good God really is.

My friends that turn into families. My two healthy and happy dogs as they have been an amazing companion for more than 2 years. Woof them (friends and dogs)

For the strength and reassurance you gave us all when we lost our dearest cousins, and a best friend in the same year. Psalm 115:16.
My siblings; Benevolent, Detrianne, Maharani, Isaac. My in laws Budi and Leonardus. My nephews Joseph and Nathanael. And our dearest Mama, Rosita. Our extended family and dearests friends and of course, my darling readers.
I thank you for everything that they bring into my heart.


For 2014, God, thank you.

May You guide me still along my continuous growth in the walk of FAITH.

Thank You and let's see what else we can thank for in 2015.

Help me Believe

Will always have a soft spot for this choir.

Check this one too:  O Happy Day! and, when (what we should more often do...) praying for your country : 2 Chronicles 7:14.

Someday I Will

So true. There's just too many things and changes in my life that I do not understand lately... Some are just plainly hard to compute.
But I am no longer pushing myself to analyze things that I know is beyond my control.

This verse below is dedicated to all my brothers and sisters out there... in case you are having the same situation as I am.

Let us still rejoice Him in between our confusions and our lack of understanding today... Based on my previous experience, He never fail me.

Immeasurably More

I asked for a little house in the middle of nowhere. Because that was what my understanding can measure and compute, based on what I think I can afford.
He gave me a beautiful home with a backyard... In Bali.

I asked for friends. He keeps giving me families.

I asked for a job that pays the bill. He gave me passion in doing it too. And some extra for me to share.

I asked so that every one of my siblings will finish college no matter how hard the situation is... Not only that He made it done, He also blessed them with jobs just right after graduation.

I prayed for forgiveness... for a break-through after my darkest times... He said "Everything is done."

I asked for a normal life, He showed me that His work is larger than ordinary, bigger than average, greater than life itself.

For a child of my own, I did ask for that too... And He gave me strength to overcome the suffer from loss and the patience to wait on His timing, because He knows that it will take more than a submissive heart and a parenting blood to raise one.
I begged for a perfect health... He gave me a chance to show gratitude in taking care of my self... to have faith in His miraculous work.

Now... I am asking for something I have never asked before. Something I never thought I need. Something I almost could never believe.

And with a pounding heart, I am telling you, I just cannot wait to see His answer.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory. — Ephesians 3:20-21.

Enough said.

Healing

Step 1. Reading this... 
And believing.

To the Brokenhearted

I was planning to phrase a long winding paragraph of whining here, about things I am now facing in life. You know, just to get it out and make my head a bit lighter. Cause apparently, a bottle of Cab Sav (yes,a  bottle) I poured last night down all the way from my throat to my belly did not seem to work.

But then, I read the news here: Philippines Typhoon. And I rest my case.

My aching heart and prayers to the people of The Philippines. May you find strength in the midst of this fear and loss and I have faith this verse will help. Amen.

Ephesians

Just what I need to hear. Again.

Saying Images

Women of God (in the making)

A few years ago, I posted this poem. 

But here below, I will try to jot down what I understand from the beautiful phrases, with my limited wisdom from my lacking of life experience.

Tough vs Tender.

I may appear tough and bold. But what I am actually doing is trying to hide my fragile heart. This means, I still have no idea what tender really means.

Coarse vs Kind

I am not always kind. Obviously.

Rude vs Refined

Rude is easy. But refined acts takes effort and I am not going to stop being molded.

Fame vs Faith

Fame and fortune is, funny enough... can follow you when you have faith. Whether or not you want it. But trust me, faith comes first.

Greed vs Good

Greed is contagious, and has a mortal effect. And whenever its lurk is starting to tempt me, I turn my head and consiousness to good.

Vanity vs Virtue

Vanity can be bought. Any man can ensemble one. But virtue will demand your whole heart, mind and soul to be torn apart at first. There's not enough money in the world to buy even a piece of it.

Popularity vs Purity

And last... popularity. I think is the hardest way to purity.

Hardest.

Piccsy

Inspiration Sunday: Pray about it

Please excuse the pause on Inspiration Sunday. I may have not been so much inspired these days… And when I stumble upon this quote… I finally know why…

I have been too busy with my own mind and problems as if I can make everything better by just handling it myself, worrying, nag about it and lamenting over and over again.

Result; not working. Clearly.

So thank you, word of God…, I should look up to you at the very first place…. Now, I am about to go down on my knees and talk to you about what I have been trying to hold on to, things I been trying to solve myself.

Are you there?

Pinterest



Two years and counting!

Last year, at this time of the month, 2 of my sisters, mom, and grandma were here in Bali for a holiday. We had some serious fun. My goofy sister Detri said that the best place she like the most is this bar that is located in a resort that I took them to. Funny enough, I just wrote  a post about a few new drinks the liquid chefs at Detri's fave bar created. Why? Oh, nothing… It’s just that I am now in charge for the PR/Communications department for that lovely… lovely place of refuge .

To have a more convenient commute from home-work-home, I moved into another place. A bit bigger and has nicer facilities, with the same price. Good for me. Privacy? Yes. Alone? Yes.  When I read an article at The New York Times about "The Freedom, and Perils of Living Alone" , I could not stop smiling.  To this day, I still have all the perks to work my way and run the clock in and around my little casa. I have been doing it since I graduated from high-school. It gives me a good enough of space to be on my own yet at the same time, it also makes my relationship with my family a lot closer. I cannot explain how that works but it does. 

The biggest part about the past 2 years is that I learned to let go of the past and move on. I did. It is so freeing to know that when you have come into an acceptance, you have a smoother path to keep going with a lighter heart. I got healed. I have a closer relationship with God than ever before. I cannot thank Him enough for showing me how much I am adored and loved, no matter what. And not even the darkest part of my life comes into the equation.  He loves me because of what He is, not because of what I have done. People admire me because of what I am giving and doing to my family , but to tell you the truth… I am nothing without them. The fact that I am blessed with the ability to do that is just one of God’s way of using me as a blessing channel and I will gladly keep doing it as long as He is on my side. Tressabel Hutasoit is just a tiny part of His master plan. (I got all teary as I typed this down…but this is true) It is hard for me to stop bragging about His love tho’ so I hope you understand.

I still dream about being a mother. I still am the same person who will cry with you during cartoon movies and keep the lights on all night long after a horror movie. Talk to me about politics; I will still roll my eyes. Ask me out for a good food; I will be-friend you for life. I am still the same person… only, happier :).  If you go to a secluded beach in the southern part of Bali, you may see me under the parasol with a magazine on my nose. 
And who knows… someday, I will have my baby and the love of my life with me.

On a lighter note; I look a lot darker now, gained a few pounds (thank you, suckling pig),I have shorter hair and a more casual-quirky look. All that fits into my way of living in a tropical island. I do not think I know how to walk on high heels anymore :)) I still listen to the same music, still read To Kill a Mockingbird cover to cover for the hundredth of time (I just love it!), still glued to festival movies and cartoons, and stays as a caffeine addict. 

Thank you for putting up with me through these times. I will keep on writing (oh, my superior at work is a brilliant journalist so I am learning a lot from her!) and keep you in the loop with big-small happenings that is worth wandering for. 

God bless.

I took this photo, exactly 2 years ago.

Loving Friday: Magnificent Love

I have not been a good blogger, I know. Things are a bit topsy turvy and I am juggling more balls than I used to. A bit hard to believe that I am actually just posting for my regular features, and nothing more. All in all, a "pause" moment that I thought should not last this long... however,  it's just a phase I know I will get through. Please bear with me.

When everything seems blurry, one thing that I can hold on to is this powerful force that I can always turn into. Again, I have no intention to put God under anyone's throat. This is who I am, how I get through life's winding road and how I want to pillar my family someday in the future. 

He is my magnificent friend, my God. And, without a pint of doubt- my Love.

from here

 

Inspiration Sunday: Be still and know You are God

Happy Sunday beautiful people. I am happy to share this one beautiful song I like to listen to when things get hard and I feel like I just want to hide under God's mighty hands. Truth be told, been feeling like that a bit often these days... 

The best thing about being His child? I can do that all the time and I know never will He question my reasons being. I can just be still, and know He is God. Amen.

Awesome Monday: Jesus with children

So today's awesome Monday is a little different. I have my reasons I tend to treasure for my self. But I must tell you that seeing this image reminds me of a picture hanging in my bedroom wall when I was a kid. Seeing this make me realize that all I ever wanted is to still be His child and cling into His hands at all times. I know His awesome love will let me do so. Have a great Monday sweethearts!

Fear not

By no means to make this too personal, tho I cannot tell you the reason... I have to say that I am nearly suffocated by fears and worries now. But,  stumbling upon this words... :) I am now in a solemn still. Feel free to use the power of His words, sweethearts. I know I am doing it. 

Thanks Isaac!

Praying for an almost perfect stranger

To someone that I may never going to get to know better... anytime soon. 
My prayers are with you.

from iquote

Dear God, I am sorry if we have to meet this way

In between pillars. Down the shady road
My room. My journal. My grandmother's kitchen
By the shore. Under the tree

I know You are there

You are majestic. You are exquisite. You are infinite

Omnipresent they say, not that I get what it means

They say I should not worry about walls and roof of a church

I should not be broken hearted 

I should not lament especially because now I cannot spend some of the offering money on sweets

I am sorry about that by the way

But maybe once in a while, God... 

I want to show you how sweet and special you mean to me

That dress Mom bought me? I want to wear it to see You at Your house

I know You love all your child just the same but I have a feeling that You will notice me in that dress.

A red dress with embroidered daises on its collar.  Have you seen it?

Maybe once in a while, I want to stand there and sing for You with my trembling voice and pounding heart
Maybe I jut miss the old smell of the wooden chairs. I want to see what kind of flowers they put this time. What colour of candles

Does it have a scent? The candles, I mean

My understanding of You is this simple and I want nothing more
I know You through a million little pieces
I am a child and if being a child is the only way to keep the sweetest and purest relationship with You.... I think I'd like to stay this way
If You allow... of course

And God, I do not think I am going to let you see me in that dress anytime soon
And no one can tell me when will I could

Mom said I should talk to You about it
Well, I think it's a bit weird because I believe You were not the one who forbids me to come
I did not argue with her. I know You will not like it if I do so

But... I promise I am going to keep seeing you.

It's just that... I am sorry, if we have to meet this way...

In between pillars. Down the shady road. 

My room.

My journal. My grandmother's kitchen
By the shore. Under the tree.

TB

ps: For houses of prayers out there being banned to grow. GKI Yasmin.

Saying Images

Love letter to God

How can I not be  thankful for you, my Lord. 

I may not have everything that (I think) I need right now... But I feel so blessed.

I feel perfect in my imperfection. I feel whole in my broken hearten and feel accompanied in my loneliness.

I feel known by You to the deepest part, in my confusion, I feel found in times I feel lost.

I feel courage when I have to see things fall apart, and strength when I am about to gave up. 

And most... I feel your love when I feel I deserve not.

Though I know... some things are still in the making, some questions and prayers have not been answered... Still, You elevate me. 

I love You, maybe I don't say this enough, and I know I have failed you many many times. But here I am as a child (as I always be), saying this grateful prayers with all my heart.

Love,

32 y.o child- a living proof of your amazing work in the making.

From Redletterwords

Loving Friday: I cannot love you less

If you have someone in your life saying this to you, I say you are pretty lucky.

Me? I don't. I don't have one. I have a lot! Families, true friends, and of course my God. Lucky? No... I am blessed.

And I am going to say the exact same thing to you.... 

Saying Images