Sep 4, 2015

Things my divorce taught me.

A dear friend is going through a divorce at this moment. So, based on her request, I am re-posting this piece from a year ago.

This post is not a mellow one. It is a written assurance of how thankful I am now. For my divorce (4 years ago)- now 5, has taught me a lot that I am willing to share here, with no intention at all to pry.

One thing for sure... Divorce taught you a lot about life, love, your friendship, family, and your vision about relationship(s). 
But foremost, it taught you a lot about yourself. 

Here goes.
  1. It is okay to change your mind. Obviously. Tho in my case, it may seem like I have registered for a swimming club to just then finding out that I am allergic to chlorine... But, really... why would you risk getting all those skin rashes anyway?
  2. You will have this super power to listen to your heart more attentively. You will finally understand that you are not that much of a coward anyway, because you are not afraid to take chances and embrace changes. Even though it hurts you to the bone.
  3. Bitter truth lesson: Love... apparently, in a contrary of what The Beatles keep telling us in "All you need is Love", not the only thing you need. 
  4. Prioritizing battles is one skill I never thought I have. Now I know that I can do that. It may seems like an act of ignorance, but there are things that does not deserve a glance of a headache and there are things that deserve my blood-shed battle. My divorce taught me to differentiate those. 
  5. Some people can give you "that look" when you tell them you are divorced. That "Oh, sorry, you will find a better one someday" look (As if they think they know that's all that you are looking forward to in life!). Some sad people will be suspicious that you would want to eat every available-not available man that is breathing (including theirs!) Neither of those ideas that I care about.
  6. There are also people who think they know what's best for you and aren't afraid to make pointy judgment to hurt you and make you feel guilty. Do they mean it? I do not know. But  lucky for me, it is my very own family that once told me this at the beginning of my divorce trials: "You can't worry about what everyone else thinks."
  7. You will learn to understand that healing may take time. And trust... no surprise here; takes longer to re-build. And no need to rush. But admitting this is half the battle. I am getting there, in my timid baby steps.
  8. The continuous self-discovery after divorce roams in and around all aspects of my life, including sex. You will feel more empowered and confident since you started to see it as more of a need and can be separated from emotional attachments, if you like. Or, there can be some in it, there can be a lot. It is up to you. BUT Get to know your body and do things the healthy way! Self love is recommended. Vibrator, ladies, is healthier than shacking up with some random guys.
  9. It makes you judge things less... almost all things but... it folds you to be super critical towards men. Again, do not feel guilty about ditching someone just because he did not open the door for you (or because he does not read a lot of books, or has no health insurance, or not wearing nice shoes, does not like dogs?!) 
  10. On a heavier note... for me, it did change how I see religion... but, the good news is... it does not change the way God loves me and it makes me love Him even more. 
  11. Wolfing dinner by the sink is not a sin. So does gulping over a bottle of red (alone!) when you feel like casual dating is just a "meh" idea.
  12. You will be struck in an awe realizing that you can forgive. I did that. And it is very liberating.
  13. There will be skills and passions of you that are suddenly blooming. Simply because you have time to care more about yourself, your career, your potential. You will wake up one day feeling thankful for the roof upon your head that you actually built, or for that designer label hand bag you bought for yourself, or even maybe... for that handsome man next to you that you do not know his name of. 
  14. If you really ask yourself... and really-really answer... you know, that you still believe in falling in love again. And last one... 
  15. You will burn, destroy, erase... the things that are not you.
Ps: You asked me what to do first? This below:

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