Feb 24, 2014

Things I am afraid to tell my Mother

When my friends met my look-like-a-forty-something Mama, the first comment will be "Oh she's so pretty!". And, pretty she is. 
She has aged gracefully, you will see wrinkles and imperfections of a few gray hairs. But since she has this pair of wandering eyes, she does not seem like a grandma with two grandsons. And boy I wish I will have a figure like her when I am at her age.

She's more like a friend than a mother. That's about it. And both my mom and I have been through only a roller-coaster kind of life. Nothing less. She is "younger" than I am in many ways and is impulsive, and been to places and conditions we can not even imagine. 
But that story is for us to keep.0

So for me, there is no reason to hide stories from her. No need to pretend to be somebody that you are not when dealing with her. I do not always mind my language when we talk. We can talk about anything. She will just love you no matter what. Really!

Even so... there are things that I find hard to just casually mention to her when we talk.
ps: This is my time to be selfish so I can write anything... even if it sounds too hilarious.

I believe in things that most people would cringe to, I allow myself to  be exposed to many understandings, dogmas and to this day, I still do not believe that a complete life comes in template order: dating-marriage-kids. I do not. It can be that way, but it can also be in different order. I may follow the path, I may not.

Dad and you have set a benchmark that is so high, I can only get teary when thinking about it... But funny enough, that's also what is stopping me. I might change. I may not. This is something that I do not know for sure, and I am fine with not knowing. 

But I want to tell you that I am not afraid to love again, I am not afraid to share life with someone that I know will take care of my heart. I just do not think he will be brave (read: crazy) enough to love me. I know people have been asking me to stop comparing dad with any man. I eventually will, I know that. 
Someday, I will be on the floor thanking God for having to make my heart finally giving up. 

About grandchild. I know you have two beautiful grandsons now and they keep you busy. I secretly am thankful for that. Not only because I love those boys to death too but also... also because they stop you from asking when is mine going to come into the world. I have no answer to this Mama, I really do not. I lost one of your "supposed-to-be-grandchild" and the aching pain from not getting a chance to hold my very own baby is taking a remarkably slow time to heal... 
I always want to be a mama. Of a boy at first will be best. The girl can come after. Or whichever order. I know you know that.
But, what if I can never do that? Will this mean you will spend time less with me than the rest of my other siblings who can give you more little round belly for you to carry? Will this make me less perfect, and the saddest thing... less of a woman? 

I am moving forward, Mama. 
From all of our past and the lost times I once demanded for you to give back to me. I forgive myself, for causing such terrible miss-understandings whenever we had hardships that made you once (or twice) think that I love you not. 

Nothing that I would change about you and I. But one I thing I know for sure is that I am thankful for you.... and the good genes: (ahem, good metabolism) I have gotten from you.


Your first.

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