On Books That Your Heart Clutches

I first read "Dear Ijawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions" in 2002, and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie has since captured my heart.

This year, I sink my nose to inhale Purple Hibiscus which tells the story of Kambili and her older brother Jaja, who lead a privileged life in Enugu, Nigeria, sheltered from life's troubles and truth. 

Her works were not only raw and ingratiating but also invested with a profound sense of honesty that resonated deeply with me. 

Captivated by her style, I recently borrowed "The Thing Around Your Neck" from the library. It is a poignant collection of short stories that intricately maps the experiences of Nigerian women as they navigate the complexities of love—or the lack thereof—along with the heart-wrenching themes of loss and the everyday struggles they encounter in a challenging world. The depth and authenticity of these narratives invite readers to reflect on the resilience of women in the face of adversity.

Have you read any of her works? How do you recover from it?

**Disclaimer:** These are pictures from last week. I am recovering well.

In recent months, I have gone through symptoms of exhaustion and stress that caused me Gastroesophageal reflux and persistent nerve problems. While I spare you the details, I want to share how a visit from my friend, a servant of God, unshackled my perspective.

I became consumed by my current struggles and the themes of my first published book, which felt suffocating amidst the facts, real characters, and its relevance today. This fixation affected me deeply, especially as I received messages from people sharing similar hardships. I was overwhelmed by tragedy and negative news.

During her visit, while I was hospitalized, my friend Tracy, a servant of God,  said something that struck me: "We often talk about our ten percent tithe, but what about dedicating ten percent of our time to God through prayer, reading, watching uplifting movies, and spending time with supportive friends?" 

I realized I had been investing my energy and time in worldly pursuits. 

While some of these activities seemed beneficial, I questioned how reading a single Bible passage on my way out the door would impact my growth. What kind of growth could I expect, and how could I find the strength and fuel to keep going and fulfill my purpose?

So here I am. As I improve my physical health, I am also starting to make changes with my "tithe" of time dedicated to God. I trust that He has ordered my steps.

PS: Thank you, Tracy, for your time and words. My husband for standing by my side through my ups and downs. Also to my bestfriend, Yosefine, thank you for being there ALL THE WAY. 

Suami Dari Langit

Image from iStock/salim hanza

Pupur wajahnya kian hari kian tebal 

Celak matanya begitu juga

Mungkin ini namanya gaya

Seperti kata majalah bekas koyak yang pernah kubaca

Pikirku begitu kala melihat Ibu

Majalah itu  juga membahas lingkar pinggang, 

besar paha, dan lengkungan bokong

Jadi pasti Ia kurus karena itu

Pikirku begitu kala melihat Ibu

Jadi tak pernah aku bertanya kenapa tubuhnya kian ringkih

Walau buntutnya tiga

Tak pernah kami bingung kenapa Ibu berias selalu, walau cuma untuk ke warung di ujung jalan

Setiap Kamis membeli sekantung beras, yang seperempatnya dirubung kutu

Saban malam, saat bulan bertengger dekat pohon bambu

Ibu akan bersujud menghadap ke langit, kami ikut

Oleh isakan, pupurnya luntur,

Celak matanya hanyut, gincunya larut

“Langit, tolong jaga suamiku supaya hatinya tak kalut saat menjelang pulang nanti”

“Supaya matanya tak gelap saat sampai rumah kami”

Begitu terus doanya tak putus putus

Apakah langit itu yang sudah memberikan Ibuku suami? 

Sampai begitu setianya Ia berdoa dan mengabdi

Setiap malam dan juga pagi

Pasti!

Pikirku begitu

kala melihat Ibu

Saat pupur terakhir disapukan perias 

pada wajahnya yang kini kaku

Oleh TBH- Juli 2024

Kawin (demi) Tanah

Sebenarnya Ia ingin pamer atau riya

Soal tanahnya yang berdepa-depa
Lenan sutranya yang berhelai helai
Dan tusuk sanggulnya yang emas murni
bukan sepuhan

Tetapi setiap ke pasar
Saat harus pura-pura menawar bawang segenggam
Yang nanti akan diolah bibik di rumah
Ia hanya ditanya orang
Soal nikmatnya hidup rumah tangga
Baiik di dapur maupun di kasur

Yang mana satupun diantaranya
Ia tidak tahu
Namanya juga kawin paksa
Demi tanah berdepa-depa yang tak jadi milik tengkulak
Yang bahkan bisa menebus nyawa Abahnya

Asal Ia pura-pura bahagia
Tanpa bisa berlakon riya

Tapi apa aib mengakui
kalau dia sebenarnya tidak pura-pura?
Karena sungguh
Ia sudah bahagia karena harta

Yah
semoga besok
Ada yang bertanya paling tidak
soal kain sutranya melambai dengan anggun 

saat Ia melangkah di pasar

(Foto hanya ilustrasi dan bukan perwakilan dari kisah nyata)

The Grief We Choose to Endure

It's been eight months since my first rescue dog, Mahoni, passed away.

This morning, I woke up at the break of dawn longing for her: the sound of her paws, her big brown eyes, her gorgeous brown coat, and her burying her beautiful face under my arms. I miss all those things.  

I thought I was okay and had come to terms with the end of our 11-year relationship. But that morning, I realized something new; being okay has nothing to do with grief. 

To spare you the intricate details, Mahoni was my rock during my formative years in Bali. I was going through a rough time and made a lot of wrong decisions in trying to fill the void. I was also entangled in toxic relationships.

Mahoni was the one I could be completely honest with. Sure, she had her infamous side eye and reactive behaviors towards certain people, but her unwavering love always outweighed my pain. We shared highs and lows with tears and laughter, and even though I've managed to rebuild my life and have been blessed with wonderful friends, family, and more dogs to love, Mahoni's place is irreplaceable. 

I'm okay living my life without her by my side, but I'm better when I can revisit our stories every now and then.

This is the grief I've chosen to endure, and I'll be eternally grateful for it.

On Career and Style

Since I made a significant career change in 2018, things haven't been easy. But I know it was one of the best decisions I've ever made! 

Despite facing challenges, I'm still here (with my first published book about to go for a second print!), maintaining a steady relationship with my retainer clients, and setting healthy boundaries with ex-clients (no bridges burnt).  

Lately, I've been reading career tips to boost my creativity and evaluate if there's more I can do to improve. You know, the usual questions: Am I being productive enough? Will this self-employed path sustain me? Should I always dress up even when I work from home? Why can't my dogs stay quiet whenever I am on a work call?

The most pressing question that comes up from time to time is: "Am I charging my clients fairly or sometimes too low?" If you've been wondering the same, particularly the latter part, here's something reassuring to read.

As for the dress up part, it's a yes for me. 

Emily Henderson, Stylist and Interior Designer

There is something inside us, especially women, that tells us that if our work is something we love to do it should somehow be worth less. But, the exact opposite is true: the more you love to do something, the easier you make it look, the faster you are at it, the more VALUABLE you are because of your passion. So, while we all love to get paid in kisses, praise and genuine appreciation, know that Our talent, skills, and expertise are worth banknotes (The Business of Design)

Maintaining a certain standard guides us on how to determine our rates and how to approach otherwise uncomfortable dealing situations a.k.a when to say no when it does not meet your time and skills. 

(Kebaya top from Sejauh Mata Memandang , Dragon hand-painted sarong from Awesome Lasem, Shoes from MKS's Shoes.

An endearing read

I read something that gives my heart this warm, fuzzy feeling. Actually, it almost made me cry.

Here goes.

“There are many different kinds of bravery. There’s the bravery of thinking of others before one’s self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams.”

“Where did he put them?” 

“He put them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer… He does. And that is why he is brave.”— Conversation between Mrs. Darling and Michael, Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

from Pinterest

I feel alright about my neck

 

Ephron's notable "I feel bad about my neck." crossed my mind the second my husband showed me the photo he had just taken.

I almost missed his proud ear-to-ear smile and glued myself to the deep crow's feet around my eyes.

"Gosh. This is forty-four." I moaned.

"That's you celebrating your first book," he said.

And just like that, he was Mr. Right.

ps: I am curious, if you are over 40, how do you respond to all the changes in you? 

Pre menopausal syndrome? wrinkles? the uncertain waves of emotions? Or are you smooth sailing like nothing happens?

Menstruation Talks

Photo from NPR Org

When the puberty bus hits me with my first menstruation (mood swings, funny body odor, sans breast growth), I worry about how society's expectations might define the world for girls.

"You have to be more careful now," mothers and aunties would say. But what did they mean by "careful"?
People would comment on our looks, skin fairness, and how we should behave and dress because apparently, we are responsible for sexual crimes.

What struck me was that they avoided the word "menstruation." Instead, they used phrases like "Aunt Flow," "Palang Merah," or "Datang Bulan" because discussing puberty is taboo.

It's not that these phrases are immoral, but oh but ..
They distract from crucial topics such as menstrual hygiene, reproductive health, proper nutrition for hormonal balance, and the fact that girls and women can still play sports.

A 2018 study revealed that between ages 8-14, girls’ confidence drops by 30 percent. Boys experience drops too, but at 14, when girls are at their lowest, boys' confidence is still 27% higher. See how the domino effect can go far?

While the formula to changing the above can be intricate and detailed, I know how we can create change.

It's all on us.

Revising how we speak to girls (and boys) is the first step to breaking the stigma.

Say it as it is. Menstruation.
*Period.

*pun intended

(Here are some links with insightful tips on talking about menstruation and puberty with your children: Voices of Youth on Menstruation, On Puberty, Tweens and Puberty.)

Untuk Perempuan Biasa. My first published book!

 

Akhirnya hadir, akhirnya lahir.

Buku ini tentang dan untuk perempuan

Yang kisahnya sering tak masuk hitungan

Atau mungkin dianggap tabu

Perempuan Biasa hadir

Menantimu bergabung dalam derapnya

Yang halus namun laju

"Untuk Perempuan Biasa"

Oleh Tressabel Hutasoit

115 halaman| 27 prosa pendek

IDR 135,000 (Pemesanan lewat Direct Message)

Pengiriman ke alamat Anda mulai 1 Mei 2024

Beribu Surat

Setelah melewati proses penyuntingan yang cukup panjang, akhirnya buku “Beribu Surat” terbit! 

Buku ini adalah antalogi tulisan dengan pesan beraroma feminisme dari bumi Indonesia.My work, karya saya berjudul “Surat Dari Janda” bisa ditemukan di halaman 297.

Tulisan tersebut sarat akan cerita dan harapan untuk mendobrak stigma negative kaum janda yang masih negative di mata masyarakat.

Pesan lewat @peretas_id atau @marjinkiri

Penerbitnya, Peretas (Perempuan Lintas Batas) dan Marjinkiri serta semua penulis yang karyanya dimuat dalam buku ini, berderap bersama untuk menyuarakan feminisme lewat sastra dan seni.

Pemesanan bisa lewat @peretas_id atau @marjinkiri

Kiranya bisa dinikmati.

#rewritetherules

#untukperempuanbiasa

Siapa Lagi Selain Kartini?

Nama harumnya memang pas sekali menjadi lirik lagu ciptaan W.R Supratman, "Ibu Kita Kartini". 

Dan tentu, jasanya jelas bisa kita nikmati. Keleluasaan saya menulis artikel ini adalah salah satunya. 

Bicara mengenai Kartini dan merayakannya adalah baik. Namun lebih baik kita turut serta membicarakan berbagai hal mengenai pahlawan perempuan Indonesia, yang ceritanya nyaris tak terdengar.

1. Yang jarang diakui, Kartini adalah exhibit A dari sebuah kenyataan: Pengetahuan perempuan dan kesohorannya sangat bergantung pada politik lokasi, budaya, dan kelas. Untungnya, Kartini menggunakan privilege yang Ia miliki dengan benar
2. Karena posisinya itulah, bukan tidak mungkin Kartini juga adalah tokoh yang “diciptakan” Belanda. Keberaniannya mengkritik sedikit banyak merupakan pengaruh pendidikan Belanda yang dapat Ia kecap karena Ia adalah keturunan bangsawan
3. Belanda saat itu gencar melakukan politik etis. A.k.a politik balas budi. Munculah “story” bahwa perempuan Indonesia kalau mau maju harus ikut pendidikan Belanda; harus memiliki pemikiran seperti yang diajarkan Belanda. Menjadi "Public Relations." Belanda?
4. Lewat sura-suratnya, Kartini berhasil mendokumentasikan pengalaman ketertindasannya sebagai perempuan yang hidup dalam kentalnya dunia patriarki dan iklim feodal. Pemikirannya revolusioner, tapi Kartini tidak sempat (atau urung?) melaksanakan apa yang menjadi pikiran-pikirannya
5. Penentang poligami ini, juga akhirnya terpaksa menjadi istri ke empat Bupati Rembang 

Tetap, Kartini layak masuk dalam jejeran pahlawan Indonesia. 

Walau sayang, perayaannya kini justru banyak dijadikan judul promosi dan alasan untuk berbelanja saja oleh berbagai bidang usaha.

Yang perlu kita kritisi, kenapa hanya ada Hari Kartini? Kenapa bukan Hari Pahlawan Perempuan Indonesia? Sehingga nama-nama berikut ikut terbayangkan aroma harumnya.

 

1. Di Tanah Rencong yang cadas, ada Cut Nyak Dien. Seorang panglima perang (ya, Panglima Perang) yang strateginya licin dan sulit ditaklukan Belanda
2. Rahma el Yunusiyah dari Sumatra Barat berhasil mendirikan sekolah untuk perempuan dan menolak subsidi karena tak ingin adanya influence dari bangsa penjajah. Di tanah Minang memang banyak melahirkan perempuan pendidik yang menolak bantuan dari Belanda dalam mendirikan sekolah
3. Dewi Sartika di tanah Pasundan. Ia mendirikan sekolah-sekolah khusus perempuan yang di dalamnya mengajarkan nilai-nilai kesetaraan
4. Lalu, berapa banyak dari kita yang tahu bahwa Rasuna Said yang namanya dijadikan nama jalan protokol, adalah seorang perempuan pejuang emansipasi yang orasinya keras menentang ketidaksetaraan?
5. Malahayati. Panglima Perang Aceh yang memimpin 2000 orang Inong Balee (janda-janda perang) menyerang kapal-kapal dan benteng-benteng Belanda pada tahun 1599. Pada pertempuran satu lawan satu, Malahayati berhasil membunuh Cornelis de Houtman
6. Silakan sumbang nama lain yang kalian ingat. Saya mau mendengarnya!

Kartini, seperti bukunya "Duisternist tot Licht", memang seperti terang yang terbit setelah gelap. Namun, siapa lagi yang sesungguhnya juga membawa terang tersebut? Bukankah mereka layak juga dirayakan? 

21 April memang bukanlah tanggal merah, Tetapi, gempita perayaannya begitu terasa dari masa ke masa. Pakaian adat, lomba ini itu yang lucunya sering berkenaan dengan keahlian memasak sambil memakai sepatu hak tinggi, terdengar disoraki riang di berbagai tempat.

Dalam konteks ini, gelap memang sudah berganti terang.

Artinya hari ini, kita punya kesempatan. Kalaupun mungkin harus berjalan dengan balutan kebaya ala Kartini dan hadir ke perayaan tadi, mungkin cerita tentang pahlawan perempuan lain bisa kita bagikan pada sekitar.

Hari ini, kita punya cerita baru untuk anak kita, perempuan dan lelaki. 

Hari ini dan esok, kita telah lebih berdaya untuk memakai terang tadi sebagai pelita yang menyoroti cerita perjuangan dari perempuan-perempuan lain.

Thank you for the fight, Kartini. We’ll take the torch from here… 

Ilustrasi Lee Man Fong

In search of a chaotic mind remedy

The first two months of 2024 have been a comedy of mishaps in our household. 

I have no details to dispense, but I am here to let you know that it's okay to take a break and lament for a while. 

What I am trying to do now is to look around just within my arm's distance. Look at something I like, someone I love, and take a deep breath. It's that cliché  mantra; "Not everyone has what you have."  

But I cannot say that it will always work its magic. I wish. What's going on in my mind now is a twister of chaotic worry, anger, and sadness snowballing with no ends to be seen.

Have you been in this situation? Have you tried my method, or do you have another trick to handle it?

Zara Picken's illustrates it well here.

Illustration by Zara Picken