Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts

Apr 13, 2026

Hardest Declutter in My Life

 


For nearly 14 years, this cabinet has stored stocks of dog's essentials. From vitamins to deworming tablets, from eye drops to ear drops, and sometimes anti inflammatory. But the space was also dominated by medicines that hold different stories, with epilepsy being the highlight 💜

Phenobarbital, potassium bromide, curpurm drops, lavender oils, and the jab that marks a more painful season- kidney failure remedies. 


After her passing two months ago, I found the strength to make some room. Decluttering is something I usually enjoy. 

But not today.

Tears were streaming and smiles were forced. It feels like I am betraying and deleting her from my life and at the same time confirming that my time as her Ibu has ended. I know it has but this time it's really happening?

"Marilyn is now a star." were my words when I texted my best friend about Marilyn's passing that day. 

A star doesn't need all these. Especially a star like her. I know she'll shine so bright I can see her and hug her anytime I want. 

The cabinet has some space now, after 13+ years, I know soon it will be filled again with other essentials. 

But the void in my heart longs for her name alone.  You, Marilyn, my voice of reason, my star ✨ 


Feb 16, 2026

Goodnight, Marilyn

 
Marilyn Hutasoit Rondonuwu 04 Oct 2012- 13 Feb 2026

With our shattered hearts, souls in agony, we kneel and lift our hands in prayer.

Thank you, Jesus, for a wonderful 13 years of grace.
You have taught us about love and servantship through this bundle of joy we call Marilyn.
In her whimsical personality, we see Your gentleness.
In her strength as she rolled with the punches of epilepsy, we were exposed to Your majestic strength.
There was Your mercy in her everyday joyfulness,
and foremost, we have witnessed Your faithfulness in her abiding loyalty.

Today, we seek solace from You alone, as our time with her has reached its glorious final moment. She won the battle, and our hearts are captured in Your victorious purpose.
Please fill us with the affirmation that this was indeed part of your plan in our marriage and for us as individuals.
Cover us in peace that transcends all understandings. 
Amen

And to our glassy-eyed baby, our bright yet gentle sunshine, our epilepsy warrior Marilyn, aka Elina…
Bug, for 13 years, this home was never without you.
How am I supposed to wake up tomorrow knowing you will not be here?
How would you know that I love you still and always if you’re not lying next to me anymore?
How do I stop my mind from playing our favourite memories over and over again?
We’ve been each other’s shadows through the highs and lows,
how can I do it any other way?

You gave us so much. So I can only hope you’ll understand that I am going to take this one minute at a time. Not one day, but one deep breath at a time.

This void has your name in it, and we want to keep it that way.
This grief, lathered with gratitude for our memories, is worth enduring.
And with my bleeding heart, I’ll embrace a new chapter; to remember you longer than I have known you.

Rest well, little bug.
We are never really apart, because you are forever in my heart.

Love,
Ibu and Bapak

RIP- Marilyn Hutasoit-Rondonuwu (04 October 2012-13 February 2026)

Click here if you want to see her our tribute video Marilyn the Epilepsy Warrior


Minutes before she turned into a star

With Bugsy

Our final stretch to eternity 



Jan 14, 2026

Mother in Law Love

 


My late mom in law often started our video call convo with a gleeful "Hello. Oh wow you look so beautiful (fresh, cute, chic)!"
No matter what I was wearing, with make up, or just woke up.

Then I started to realise something. It's not really about my look. It's her and her words.

I always knew she would compliment me so I always always smiled even before the line was connected. Always. 


She will forever be missed. 



Dec 27, 2025

Tentang Childfree

Jadi begini…Tadinya kami berpikir bahwa rumah tangga kami akan dikaruniai seorang anak atau dua. Kalau perempuan sudah disiapkan namanya, juga jika lelaki. 

Sepotong pakaian onesie dengan tulisan “A Feminist” juga sudah kami siapkan sejak tahun pertama. Untuk dipakai anak perempuan, juga jika lelaki.


With our Godsons

Mendekati empat tahun pernikahan, anggota keluarga kami memang bertambah.

Namun, kedua nama tadi tidak bisa dipakai karena yang masuk menjadi keluarga adalah dua ekor anjing. Walau kebetulan laki-laki dan perempuan, rasanya terlalu extravagant ya kalau nama dua anak anjing itu Caleb Andersen dan Emmanuella Sarasvati. Or no?


Jadi, jika harus ada label sosial dalam bahtera ini, maka kami akan diberi julukan “Pasangan Childfree”. Soal kenapa kami sampai pada titik ini, biar kami saja yang tahu.

Apakah cerita ini nanti berubah, kita bisa lihat nanti. 

Sekarang, mari kita bahas si status kami saat ini, Childfree. 


Siapa yang melahirkan istilah itu, saya tidak paham. Namun semakin lama, terdengar semakin aneh di telinga. Walau tidak bisa secara gamblang diterjemahkan menjadi "Bebas dari Anak", tetap saja itulah nuansa yang terasa. Apa anak itu adalah simbol dari belenggu sampai harus ada kata bebas yang mendahuluinya? Seperti daerah bebas banjir, atau ruangan bebas asap rokok?

Jelas bukan. Anak bukan banjir yang juga adalah bencana. Anak bukan asap rokok yang ujungnya adalah penyakit. 

Dalam segala keterbatasan pengalaman kami soal anak (yang manusia), kami tahu mereka adalah cinta dan tanggung jawab. 


Namun dunia harus gaduh. 

Pasangan yang tanpa anak sering dicap egois dan dipertanyakan tujuannya di dunia. Banyak juga yang selain dihakimi tetapi juga terus dimintai bantuan oleh sekitarnya karena dianggap “Kan enak gak punya anak?”.

Tidak sedikit juga yang diminta pengertiannya soal kenyamanan hidup atau pada saat berbagi “Maklum ya, kan kami punya anak (so we need more). Kalian tidak (makanya dapat lebih sedikit)."

Lalu kami terpaksa harus menjelaskan kenapa begini kenapa begitu. Seolah-olah penjelasan itu akan membuat sistem negara lebih baik, atau perubahan iklim dapat diatasi.


Tidak cukup disitu, pasangan childfree juga kerap dituduh benci anak-anak. 

Apa benar begitu? 

We cannot speak for everyone, tapi, kalau kami tidak. Justru yang kami impikan sebenarnya sama dengan kalian yang punya anak. Dunia yang aman bagi anak-anak. Kehidupan bagi mereka yang jauh dari kemiskinan, kelaparan, juga kekerasan fisik, emosional, dan atau seksual. 


Dengan kenyataan bahwa kami tidak memiliki anak, kami sedang berusaha untuk tetap mencapai impian tadi. Buat anak-anak. Demi hari esok.


Caranya? 

Menjadi paman, bibi, dan orangtua Baptis yang baik. Menjadi pasangan yang berfungsi secara fisik dan mental dalam berbagai (tidak semua) dinamika sosial yang kami geluti.

Di keluarga besar, di pekerjaan, bahkan secara lebih global lagi lewat kegiatan lainnya. Soal kami menggiatkan adopsi anjing jalanan dan mengupayakan program steril pun, kami percaya, telah menjadi contoh baik buat lingkungan, dan juga anak-anak. 

Kecil besar, kami tahu damai sejahtera adalah tujuannya. 


Tahun 2025 bukan tahun yang mudah buat kami. Maka, tulisan ini rasanya pantas kami bagikan. Kami mau mengakhirinya dengan ucapan syukur, walau wajah ini lelah. Kami bersukacita, karena masih bersama dalam Tuhan menjalani pernikahan muda ini, di usia yang yah lumayan muda. 

Saat ini kami bersuka karena Tuhan memperkenankan kami untuk berfungsi. Ada gunanya. 

We function in this world as a childfree couple who are blessed with five dogs. 

Itu cukup.


Kiranya langkah kami semakin berderap. Dan pada suatu hari baik nanti, kegaduhan kita adalah lebih soal merayakan dunia yang lebih baik bagi anak-anak kita tadi. 

Bukan soal siapa yang punya dan yang tidak.


Get a grip, adults. This is on all of us. 


PS: Onesie tadi masih tersimpan rapi dan sesekali kami pandangi. 


Aug 11, 2024

The Grief We Choose to Endure

It's been eight months since my first rescue dog, Mahoni, passed away.

This morning, I woke up at the break of dawn longing for her: the sound of her paws, her big brown eyes, her gorgeous brown coat, and her burying her beautiful face under my arms. I miss all those things.  

I thought I was okay and had come to terms with the end of our 11-year relationship. But that morning, I realized something new; being okay has nothing to do with grief. 

To spare you the intricate details, Mahoni was my rock during my formative years in Bali. I was going through a rough time and made a lot of wrong decisions in trying to fill the void. I was also entangled in toxic relationships.


Mahoni was the one I could be completely honest with. Sure, she had her infamous side eye and reactive behaviors towards certain people, but her unwavering love always outweighed my pain. We shared highs and lows with tears and laughter, and even though I've managed to rebuild my life and have been blessed with wonderful friends, family, and more dogs to love, Mahoni's place is irreplaceable. 


I'm okay living my life without her by my side, but I'm better when I can revisit our stories every now and then.


This is the grief I've chosen to endure, and I'll be eternally grateful for it.



Dec 15, 2023

Forever in my heart



Here's an unpopular opinion about dogs: Not all puppies are cute. Mahoni certainly was not.

From the moment I found her on the street by the gutter, she had that fury in her eyes like she had seen something eerie or sad.
She was not playful and growled with her tiny voice like she owned her space.
But I've met my match. I was not in a good place that year. That very first night, she slept on my belly like she belonged. We said to each other "Finally, you're here"

Her name was "Si Kaus Kaki" or Socky at first. I was applying for a mortgage on Mahoni Street, and I promised to bestow her with the street name if I got the house. We all know the end to that promise.

Over the years, she's been protecting our home from snakes, monitor lizards, monkeys, and even red-flagged homo sapiens (yep, toxic relationships). It was only my sister Maharani that Mahoni softened up to pretty quickly.
She emphasized she was the boss whenever we had a new rescue dog by not allowing them to come to me first, always eating at a higher spot (chair or table), and standing against my back whenever I did some house chores. She did not shy away from playing favorites as she only grooms her closest and oldest sister, Marilyn.
Whenever Marilyn had an episode (seizure), Mahoni would sit next to us, to steer our other dogs from coming closer.

When Mahoni met Yovan, she let her guard down in the most vulnerable way. There is not enough space here on IG to share how much that means to me, but I can tell you that it was so relieving for me.

When her diagnosis came, the vet said a dog like Mahoni could be so strong-willed in hiding her frailness. She kept trying to look strong whenever I was in the exam room. We tried everything to heal her, but God says her trip was done.

I am faithful to be ready for this next chapter that does not have her. 11 years may seem long, but not when it's your dog.
With a void that resonates with frail tunes, I know my heart will never be the same. But I would not have it any other way.
This grief is worth enduring.

Thank you for 11 years of blessings and a lifetime of missing you, Kakak Mahoni. You've made a Mama out of me. 🖤♥️💔🌈
#adoptionrocks

Aug 1, 2023

A little note on your kid's first day of school

 

Samuel my nephew, 3 y.o

This one is for Mamas, Dads, or other parent figures with bawled eyes posting pictures of their kids' first day of school.

I hope you'll find peace and delight knowing that you've made it possible for your little one to explore the endless world of knowledge.

You did it. 

Now take a deep breath. Have that glass of wine, read your fashion magazine, make that business call, or take a non interrupted shower with that sweet fragrant of soap bar you've been saving. 

Anything to appreciate those rare moments of being a trusting parent, knowing that your kids are in the right hand and in a safe space.

Your kids will be home soon. Eyes all wide (they're probably a bit smelly), ready to tell you about their day.

Day one. 

You did it.

Jul 8, 2023

An Ode to Parents of Dogs

Your truly and almost 11 y.o Mahoni, my first rescue in Bali


There is a special bond that unites us mothers and fathers of dogs. In a world that does not get us, we share stories about chewed sofas and pulled harnesses on walkies.


Even when we have not met, we know each other's dogs' quirks and allergies, or who's a weather frog and who's a good girl and the alpha sire.


Do you have to be home before it gets dark because Butch has anxiety? We get that.
Here, I share you song lists to calm your dogs during a thunderstorm.

You mute yourself about ten times during an hour online meeting because how would Lilly know how to wait for dinner? We've been there.
We have rollers that we grab right before we leave the house.
None of us have doorbells at home. Because boy wasn't Jojo a loud mutt!

Your vet bills are mounting, but won't you provide the best care for those glassy eyes who've witnessed you cry to sleep?
Then there are sleepless nights when you lie next to their old face. You convince yourself you never hear the clock ticking that loud.
In tow, your fear.

Then, that void. A void only we can understand.
A quiet yet magnitude pain when you look for their shadow and it's just no longer there.

"It's just a dog." is a phrase we will never comprehend, and we don't intend to.
There is no need to explain this bond to the world.

In our dogs' world, there is a type of love that is just enough for them, even when we think we should have given them more.
There is a time frame that's sufficient for them, even when we always want more.
One more day.
One more chewed sofa. One more ruined meeting. One more walk.

One more sleep that gets us to wake up to our first day together. So we can do it all over again.
Because who would bear the hassle of installing a doorbell?

(Dedicated to those who get it. We are thankful for your friendship 💜) #dogsarefamily

Jul 3, 2021

What is the scariest part about relationship?

For me, it has always been (and is) about when I feel a gentle kick in my gut, that I have started being vulnerable. My autopilot defence mechanism will tell me to: stop. "You should never accept help." "This too will end badly." 

This is the loudest one; "You are going to get hurt."

Of course, I have learned that vulnerability is a key ingredient in creating healthy, fulfilling relationship. I understand the whys, I even heard stories about how couples are getting solid foundation from being open about their fears and or worries. Because contrary to what the world believes, vulnerability, is actually a measure of strength and courage, not weakness.

But when it comes to actually being vulnerable in real life, I struggle my wobbly ways forward. How do I do that? 

Especially, how do one who have been through most things alone able to say "I need help.", "Will you take care of me?". Or simply saying "Can you pick me up at the airport, please?" 

With this pandemic lurking, messing with our every plans, collapsing the world, I am cornered to feeling depressed from time to time. There are significant albeit painful changes that my family must face, some are even exposed to the virus. Like normal humans, I cannot always roll with the punches. 

I am slowly learning to lean in, to accepting help and support. Into believing that God has more in store when it comes to love and life.

I hope, you are being patient with me. 






Feb 9, 2017

How to talk to Little Girls

I stumbled upon a GREAT article How to Talk to Little Girls by Lisa Bloom, which encourages adults to ask little girls about ideas and books, instead of complementing their looks. Ouch. Was I being completely wrong the whole time?


from Pinterest


May 1, 2016

May is Gray

This is a coincidence that I am not happy about. 
As we are entering the month of May, our family received a horrifying news. My uncle is diagnosed with late stage brain cancer. He is a Junior high teacher, who spends his weekends leading the church's vocal group.

May is "Brain Cancer Awareness Month."
May is Gray.
May... suddenly becomes this sickening month that feels so relevant and so close with us.
May... becomes so real. May is now numbered for our family.

I cannot dispense any details on this subject just yet.
But if you are reading this... May I ask a simple prayer from you, please?
Just for my uncle. So that he will stand by God's grace with his wife and children to get through this.

That's all for now.




Dec 31, 2015

Happy 2016

Here's a blog I have been trying not to post. But I finally did.
Dedicated to all the people who never understand about my relationship with my furry children. And who's been telling me that "It is not the same with being married and having real children."

I won't argue with that.



Dec 31, 2014

Give thanks and saying hello to 2015

I would usually post a typical New Year's resolution and wish list... This time, I just want to take a moment to thank You...

For my health, my career and my family. None of them will be my treasure if it was not for your grace. And it is sufficient for me.
For anything of everything that I bring home, and a little something extra that I can share, so that people will see how good God really is.
My friends that turn into families. My two healthy and happy dogs as they have been an amazing companion for more than 2 years. Woof them (friends and dogs)
For the strength and reassurance you gave us all when we lost our dearest cousins, and a best friend in the same year. Psalm 115:16.
My siblings; Benevolent, Detrianne, Maharani, Isaac. My in laws Budi and Leonardus. My nephews Joseph and Nathanael. And our dearest Mama, Rosita. Our extended family and dearests friends and of course, my darling readers.
I thank you for everything that they bring into my heart.


For 2014, God, thank you.

May You guide me still along my continuous growth in the walk of FAITH.

Thank You and let's see what else we can thank for in 2015.






Dec 22, 2014

I pray you'll be our eyes

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe


Untuk kekasih-kekasih hati yang telah berpulang  kerumah Bapa di surga di tahun 2014 ini Eliap Lumbantoruan, Elkana Lumbantoruan, and John Ray.


Dan yang sudah mendahului... Andersen Pohan Simanjuntak, Luther Marali Hutasoit, Miduk Hutasoit, Marurat Hutasoit, dan Elfrida Lumbantoruan.




Dec 18, 2014

Ahu do dalan I (I am the way)

I posted this song lyrics a few months ago. One of Dad's fave Batak gospel song that he used to play and sing. My dear cousin Elkana Lumbantoruan posted his encouraging comments, saying that he listens to the song everyday. 
Even in the midst of his battle over cancer, he managed to elevate my then nearly estranged faith.
He is in God's hands now. Miracles do happen. As us God's children keep on believing in His time and plan... then experiencing faith restoration.
Till we meet again, brother. I know you will sing out praises in the house of the Lord! Philippians 1:21.




Dec 9, 2014

Letter to CURRIE Hutasoit

This post is to celebrate your birthday, Detrianie Anna CURRIE Hutasoit!
And I believe that this is something that you can relate!

Even for a genius like Marie Currie, haters exist! She won two Nobel Prizes for her work in two different categories, she was one of the leading physicists doing groundbreaking work in radioactivity (I seriously have zero idea about it, I mean, what the what is radium?!). As a bonus, she gave the world... well... "JUST" X-rays. But trolls and haters of 1911 attacked and judge her anyway. Her religious background, her relationship status was questioned and criticized. Haters came after her (and any of us) for being remarkably happy and successful. They despise anyone who shines, especially if it is their eyes that got burn.

So, it does not matter how you carefully select what to feed your baby with, people will criticize anyway. You will never gain or lose enough weight for haters, because the minute you are happy with your body, that's when they think you look like you need help. And when your husband accepts you for who you are (say you did not crisp-iron his Sunday's best) other people will roll their eyes as if they're the ones going to church with you. When your business attempts fail, and you manage to keep that smile on your face as you try again, they curse you for being "unrealistic." And dear, you're right. It is not even their money.

However, just like you, Marie Curie had plenty of people who supported her too, including Albert Einstein. He wrote her a letter of support, essentially telling her to shake it off. The advice still holds up: “don’t read that hogwash.”

Trying to be slightly like Einstein, I am asking you to remember this; you are an amazing Mama, a sweet sister and daughter, the greatest cook and brave entrepreneur, a supportive and loving wife. Nothing... nothing can change that. 
Happy Birthday, Selamat Ulang Tahun, Tuhan Yesus memberkati :)

ps: Dad did not give you that name for no reason, and... faith. 

Oh, and my post about Marie Curie a few years ago.


Nov 27, 2014

Proverbs 17:6

I deactivated my facebook account a few months ago. This morning, suddenly feeling the urge to contact my late cousin's wife, and some other of my extended families, I re-activate them again. Oh boy did I get "lucky".


We lost Eliap (Hebrews; Eli), our cousin, June this year over cardiac arrest. I could write plenty of posts of his kindness alone. And how he was so supportive of my dream, always read my posts and introduced me to many talented Indonesian writers. 
Ever since his death, I talk to his wife, Kak Tiur online more often that I used to. 

Today, she told me that another one of my cousin, Eliap's younger brother- Elkana (Hebrews; taken from an Israeli settlement in the north-western Samarian hills), is now in critical condition over lung cancer. I talked to Elkana quite often too and have always known that he has been traveling back and forth Penang-Jakarta for chemotherapy the past year. After Eliap's sudden death, our conversations turned into something even deeper; God, death... His plan. Elkana's siblings and my siblings shared the same memories of our parents (their mom and my dad were siblings), our soft-spoken disciplinarian and amazing Piano player; Ompung (Grandpa) Alfred Hutasoit, and how we have been witnessing God's grace in every single day of our lives. One of the best thing that they taught us: Be proud of our culture, learn to use Batak language no matter how far you have traveled the world. This siblings are adoringly successful in their career I am telling you. Their oldest; Elisa is one person that the family always look up to. But no matter how well exposed and successful they are, their love over our roots and its tradition has never been put aside. 
A lesson I will carry for life and forward to my future children.
After Eliap's death, I promised myself to learn reciting The Lord's Prayer in Bataknese. And Elkana's been a great support on that. I am good now :). I can now even sing a few Batak gospel songs!

Just this week, the family was floored. The oncologist has advised Elkana to spend the rest of his days with his family. Cancer has spread everywhere. A happy husband, father of five who never let a day go by without praising God is now counting his final days in bed.

At the end of 2012, we held this big Hutasoit gathering. I missed it. It was just not that long ago, and browsing the pictures now... I realized, we have lost 2 people already. And another one is now battling cancer. They were all there, in the album. Singing, laughing, looking like they still have at least a hundred more years to live...
But, how long have we got left? No one would know. 

I am posting this, in memory of  the two, and in prayer for Elkana and his family... and to appreciate what we have today. Because, really...  what if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

Below photos are taken from late Eliap's facebook album, posted by him with below verse:

Proverbs 17:6"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children."

Well captioned, brother.

The Hutasoits singing Glory Praise The Lord! (RIP  Bapaktua (uncle) Marurat Hutasoit- my Dad's older brother; man in shades)
One with the microphone is Namboru (Aunt) Riris, my Dad's older sister. Dad was really close to this fierce lady who raised 6 children on her own. 
Aunt Kristina, cousin Elkana, Aunt Riris Hutasoit. See how she handles a conversation?
 Elisa Lumbantoruan , Eliap Lumbantoruan (RIP), Togu Tobing (Aunt Riris's son in law), Elkana Lumbantoruan
Isaac Putra Hutasoit, Detrianne Hutasoit and husband Leonardus Situngkir, Maharani Hutasoit, Mama Rosita Simanjuntak
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