Bagi nama Tuhan

Good, and bad, this 2020 is for You, Lord.

Thank you for not leaving my side. Not once, not ever. 

A Woman of God in the making

So here we are, on the egg-shell-like last day of 2020. The so called social media handles are flooded with both jokes and positivity about what is coming. Of course, all related to the one thing that has collapsed the world.

I won't even mention the word here. It, has got enough exposure. This last post in December will be a short one, about how I personally have been reminded of what God wants from me. If you're feeling a bit spiritual, you may want to listen to Pastor Rick Warren's sermon about dark days that we've clutched and how the light of Jesus can guide our nearly blinded eyes. Take a look at it The Light of Jesus for Your Dark Days. 

Dates are man made, we all know that. But maybe, it gives it the perfect excuse to ask for His guidance everyday, especially today. On the last day of 2020.

As for me, I am letting him to cultivate me to be this kind of woman...

Uang Natal Dalam Lemari

 “Juruselamat saja lahir di kandang domba.” Kata Lastri

Sambil menghitung setumpuk rupiah kertas yang dikeluarkannya dari amplop
Sepertinya baru gajian
Pikir Dewi

“Jadi, kita tidak boleh berpesta?” Dewi bertanya
Bibirnya nyaris manyun satu senti, melirik pada tumpukan rupiah tadi, yang kali ini sudah diselipkan Lastri di dalam lemari
Dibawah surat kabar yang dengan isi berita banjir ibukota
Laci ketiga dari atas, batin Dewi dalam hati

“Bukan begitu. Tapi ya, kali ini, irit-irit saja dulu.”
“Masa makan malam di restoran saja tidak bisa” Dewi merajuk
Ada sehelai gaun merah bata yang sudah licin yang dibayangkannya akan dikenakan malam ini
Gaun itu ada di lemari. Lemari yang sama dengan tempat Lastri menyimpan uang tadi.
“Lagi susah, uang kuliahmu saja masih harus kita cari Wi. Masa tahun depan gak lanjut?”
Lastri kini sibuk merias diri di depan cermin
Tergesa pergi.

“Kamu pinter. Jangan sampai gak kuliah!” Gincu merah kini dipoles Lastri di bibirnya sambil melangkah keluar kamar
“Kamu kok nggak kuliah, tapi bisa cari uang tuh!” Dewi bersikeras
“Aku gak sepintar kamu. Kamu nanti gak perlu kerja siang malam, bahkan saat hari raya seperti aku gini. Sudah aku pergi dulu. Dengar kotbah online saja ya malam ini!”

Dewi melambaikan tangan sampai dilihatnya pintu tertutup rapat. Tentu, ia akan mendengarkan ibadah secara online malam ini. Sebelum lalu salin pakaian, memesan kendaraan, pergi ke tempat makan yang sudah dia pesan dua hari sebelumnya. Tidak apa kalau harus sendiri.

Suara pesan masuk di telepon genggam memaksa Dewi menoleh. Ponsel Lastri tertinggal rupanya.

Pesan sempat terbaca
“Kamar 1202 ya manis.”
Dewi menghela napas. Tersenyum. Beranjak ke lemari.
Dia harus Natalan malam ini.
Pakai sebagian uang yang ada di lemari.

Oleh TBH

(Yang percaya, ada Natal bagi semua, terutama bagi yang seperti tak layak mendapatkannya)

Ilustrasi oleh Max Res

How has your diet changed the past... eeerrr year?

Years of training for marathons have blessed me with quite a good metabolism. But, like most things in 2020, diet and lifestyle are having some major unfavourable shifts. Eeks!

I am not bothered with a slight weight gain, I know that slowly I can shed if off. So many people are struggling for their lives now so adding that as a reason to be depressed seems ungrateful. One time, I heard my friend talking on the phone saying this to her sister "If we survived this pandemic with some extra weight, it means we are one of the lucky ones." 

ps: Here's a relatable illustration for us to smile about. But of course, try to hit the road, yoga mat, or tennis court every other day. 

It will keep our emotional state in balance.

by Grace Farris

What are your (not so secretly) random turn ons?

In an attempt to cheer the mood of this blog a little, let's talk about something fun!

We all have those strange little things we're attracted to that may dilate our pupil bigger than if your type of guy (in my case, Mark Ruffalo) is walking into the restaurant where you were eating. It could be in the way a guy talks softly to a waiter when placing his order, the way his eyes crooked when he smiles, or as simple as the way he rolls up his sleeves.

It could be anything, often overlooked, and it's pretty much random but you cannot help but feeling giddy just thinking about it!

Here are some of mine:

• Beard and glasses. Not too much tho, just enough to give that scruffy look. A simple framed glasses is a plus as it makes him look serious and boy am I so into serious guys. The challenging part of this one is that I only like it if the guy is tidy at the same time too, so... no washed out top or dirty jeans!
• Broad shoulders. My mind will instantly wander off to some romantic scene of us lazing on a sofa, watching a movie, as I slowly doze off on his shoulder... Sleepy girl here.
• If I caught him being gentle, talking softly to children and or elderly. Brownie points bagged baby...
• When we have the same pet peeves. This, obviously can only be recognised after some serious conversation but nothing beats the exhilarating feeling of saying "Oh my God, I hate (insert something) too!"
• Intelligence. Not limited to academic lane, but more like a passion that you can see in his everyday life.

What are yours?

Also, did you know that Figs are aphrodisiac?

Canine Epilepsy Journey

Against all odds, we got to celebrate Marilyn's 8th birthday last October. It was simple, sweet, filled with cuddles and treats. We even got wishes from all across the world. Some of you might have been following her story for years, and even connect with me in some ways (thank you, all of you my IG friends with an epileptic baby in tow). 

Here's a medical update: 

When she turned six, our vet has laid out all the truth and some hard to grasp reality. I have come to accept it. Her regular Phenobarbital 30/60mg will no longer distance the seizure as effectively as it used to, nor will those electro acupuncture. To avoid a lurking kidney failure, we tried to alternate her medicine with herbal drops- Cuprum 30 (copper), and she seemed to respond quite well until two months ago... Today, we'd be lucky if she has no seizure for a day.

Everyday, I am feeling like walking on an eggshell because a slight change of emotion can now effect her harshly. 

Soppy story aside, she still is the same goofy girl that I love, and I have told her (with tears streaming down my cheeks), that I will not force her to stay strong for me... if that day comes, she can bring some parts of my shattered heart with her. I promise to be a little bit braver than I am today.

Last week, I wrote a short note for all of you parents out there dotting a kid with a special need, something that I hope can ease your pain a little bit:

To parents and pawrents out there, with a special kid in tow

Who sometimes feel the need to hide their sorrow and putting on a game face on when their heart is on the floor

During one of the hardest nights, when you are cradling your baby through the most difficult hours...

Try to look into their eyes

Trust me

They think... you, are magic

But really, how are you?

Let me start by saying the obvious truth; this year sucks. But what's even more depressing is, we are not sure of the ordeal will expire as we hit January 1st 2020 in a couple of months

Sure, there are news on vaccines, studies taking places everywhere to test the effectiveness, tireless government all around the globe (mostly clueless) implementing measures to keep their country at bay... But really, how can we be certain?

Another brutal truth, I was planning to write an uplifting post here, and it is not looking well. I have no phrases in my mind that will help readers ease their anxious mind. To that, I apologise.

If I may, however, I want to share a few things that I've been doing randomly the past pandemic months. As it is a not one size fits all, you may want to do a bit of a beating around the bush here to see which one works best. For me, there are days when any small things I do can lift my mood in an instant (buying ice cream, re reading my favourite book). Other days are just too gloomy to handle and all I can bear to do is just curling up on my bed, sob a little, listening to The Smiths. 

Entering the last quarter of 2020, as my worry starting to pile up (financial, health of my family, the fact that I may only have several healthy eggs in my uterus, business-the lack thereof), I am also beginning to accept that I do not have to fix bad days and bad mood instantly. If the whole world is collapsing, then, maybe... just be human for a bit and sink for a brief moment... 

I am tired, terrified, and that...is okay. 

But when you have a little kick to do something to lift yourself up, maybe try these:

1. Listen to music that helps with anxiety. I was skeptical at first, but on the first go, it actually worked for me. A cup of hot tea in hand, this tunes, can actually remind our body to be at present even just for a short moment. 

2. Put on some lipstick. Even if you do not have a virtual meeting on the agenda. Instant mood lifter! 

3. Make plans to have a nice lunch. It does not have to be something expensive, it can be something as simple as your favourite fried rice, mac and cheese, or a giant bowl of salad that is soaked in heavy dressing. Something to look forward to, no matter how small, can give a kick up a good mood.

4. Clean your cluttered photo albums. As simple as that. 

5. Read a chapter, just one chapter... No need to press yourself to finish an optimistic number of books in a month, just try something in a smaller scale. It helps.

How about you? What is it the one particular thing you are feeling today? How do you deal with that? 

From Help Guide

 

And wouldn't it be nice to live together?

One of my all time fave. Somehow now feels more relevant than ever.

"And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong?

You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new?
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through?"

PS: She and Him did a nice cover of this song too, check it here.

I really do

For years, I never prayed about this particular part of my life. Life partner, and... if we want to be more specific here, a life partner in a God centered relationship.

No one can really ask me why, as I will shrug it off lightly as I move forward. And I was not being dishonest. I was always thinking of that matter lightly. 

However, I continue to pray that God will cultivate me. My heart, mind, habits. Following the path He has prepared for me. Not easy. But I keep going. 

With so many changes especially the past two years, I've never been this certain of my existence. Pandemic or not, broke or wealthy, I am where I am intended to be, I am who I am sculptured to be.

I turned forty last January. On that very day, I finally talked to Him about it. How I have this sweet yet aching longing about fulfilling another purpose. A purpose I am somehow certain of, is in the store for me. "If you think I will do better in fulfilling my purpose by uniting with someone (of Your choice), thy will be done."

Now, if you have been reading my posts since the beginning, you might have a slight idea of who I am. How I can be particular (if not peculiar) with what I want. Books, music, food, clothes. Men? Yes, that too. So I cannot say I am not frightened because truth is... I am. 

That rugged-nerdy-handsome look but knows how to dress properly? Sure that is still on the list. And I believe in my list! Literate? Yes, THAT is non negotiable. We need to be intellectually intertwined, not just about trends, books, social issues, and or politics. It is also about the Holy Bible, about God's words, about who He is and what He wants from that person as a man, individually, and as a man if he were to be my lifetime partner. Someone I naturally respect and love at the same time because I just see it in him. 

What kind of a father will he be? I have my views on that too. Someone who is not afraid of showing tough love when needed but so gentle he would dress up in pink tutus if our daughter (or son) wants to have him dress as a princess who came to a tea party. 

A dad who would protect but gentle, provide but also allowing me to contribute. A lover, but also, a long time friend...

Location Unknown

"I don't want to be wasting time without you
Don't wanna throw away my life I need you
Something tells me we'll be alright
But something tells me we'll be alright alright"

Travelling places I ain't seen you in ages
But I hope you come back to me
My mind's running wild with you faraway
I still think of you a hundred times a day

I still think of you too if only you knew
When I'm feeling a bit down and I wanna pull through
I look over your photograph
And I think how much I miss you, I miss you
I wish I knew where I was 'cause I don't have a clue
I just need to work out some way of getting me to you
'Cause I will never find a love like ours out here
In a million years, a million years

My location unknown tryna find a way back home to you again
I gotta get back to you gotta gotta get back to you
My location unknown tryna find a way back home to you again
I gotta get back to you gotta gotta get back to you

I just need to know that you're safe, given that I'm miles away
On the first flight back to your side
I don't care how long it takes, I know you'll be worth the wait
On the first flight back to your side

- Honne-

Almost Home

Well, hello.
After some radio silence, here I am again. 

A question so dreading; how is everyone doing?

In need of reassurance for myself, that things will get better, that scientists will soon find the vaccine for Covid-19, that business will slowly regain its strength... 
Here's a song that I hope will make you feeling just a little bit courageous today.

"Almost home, brother it won't be long, soon all your troubles will be gone. Almost home, sister run wild, run free.
Hold up your head, keep pressing on. We are almost home."- Mercy Me
 

Untuk Perempuan Biasa

Yang karirnya saat ini tersenggal-senggal,

tak jauh beda dengan percintaannya  

Yang masih tinggal dengan orangtua, atau mungkin bertetangga kos dengan yang usianya puluhan tahun lebih muda. Berisik tiap malam, katamu.

Tapi mau bagaimana? Mampunya bayar disitu walau usia hampir empat puluh. Kau menggerutu

Untuk perempuan yang sering tak masuk hitungan

Yang dari jaman sekolah, terseok paling akhir saat pertandingan

Yang walau tahu jawaban, kadang memilih untuk diam

Yang nilai 7 dicapai dengan belajar semalam suntuk, berikut tenggakan vitamin yang katanya menambah daya ingatan

Untuk perempuan yang kerja sedikit lebih keras

Dari yang lainnya

Yang lemak di perut kerap bertambah walau hanya makan nasi sesuap tambahan

Yang presentasinya di rapat perusahaan sering tak diunggulkan

Yang berharap ada keajaiban supaya orangtua, adik, bahkan kemenakan mungkin bisa masuk daftar tanggungan

Untuk perempuan yang memblokir nomor mantan

Lalu menyesal

Perempuan yang mendaftarkan diri di klub kesehatan, lalu alpa sampai tahun depan

Perempuan yang sering tak diundang ke perhelatan,
yang hasil blow rambutnya tak pernah sempurna, yang eye-liner nya sering luntur di bawah mata

Perempuan yang suaranya seperti tertahan

Karena memang, ditahan

Untuk perempuan biasa-biasa saja

Yang memutuskan untuk  tetap sendiri,

yang baru mengiyakan untuk menikah lagi. Yang ketiga kali? 

Edan! Kata orang

Perempuan yang memilih susu formula untuk sang bayi

Atau yang memijit payudaranya dengan ramuan khusus tiap malam 

supaya kencang lagi setelah memberi ASI

Itu juga kata orang... 

Dan juga,

Untuk perempuan yang baru menghabiskan seluruh upah satu bulan untuk sepasang sepatu baru

Demi mengobati sakit hati ditinggal teman kencan yang bahkan saat makan malam

mengajak patungan

Percayalah, banyak yang berdiri bersamamu

Seperti aku

Dan hari ini,

dunia yang sibuk, lelah, dan tua ini... 
sedang merayakan kita!

Kita semua...  

Perempuan yang biasa-biasa saja ini...